


The Batfam watch The LEGO Batman Movie

by Jamcat22



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: Batfam watch The LEGO Batman Movie, Batfamily (DCU), Characters and Relationships in the film aren't tagged, Crack, Humor, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, everyone makes fun of Bruce, no beta we die like robins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:33:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28690242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jamcat22/pseuds/Jamcat22
Summary: It's movie night and the whole family is present. Somehow they have managed to acquire a copy of 'The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)' from an alternate universe, and plan to make fun of Bruce with it.
Relationships: Barbara Gordon/Dick Grayson
Comments: 82
Kudos: 342





	1. Meow, Meow

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first published fic. I also wrote this while very tired. I will do my best to update within a reasonable amount of time. Constructive criticism is welcome. 
> 
> This fic might not make any sense if you haven't watched The LEGO Batman Movie, so I do recommend having watched it. It's hilarious.
> 
> Enjoy!

“Come on Bruce!” Dick whines while dragging a begrudging Bruce to their personal home theatre. “The whole family is here, even Jason. Just one movie, please?” The pleading look does its job as Bruce no longer needs to be dragged.

The entire family have made themselves comfortable, spread about on all the furniture. Damian has taken a beanbag and strategically placed himself in front of the chairs that coincidently Bruce and Dick usually occupy. “It is the most comfortable seating arrangement with the most optimal view.” He will forever argue.

Tim has also strategically seated himself in a chair as far away from Damian as possible, while looking on the verge of collapse. Jason has taken to throwing popcorn at Tim from a few seats away. Barbara, Cass, and Steph decided to be responsible civilized people and chose to sit behind where Dick and Bruce would be. Any popcorn coming from their direction definitely didn’t come from Steph, no matter what anybody says.

“What are we watching tonight?” Bruce asks gruffly.

“Whoa B! You’re actually here. Spending time with your own children.” Bruce ignores the jab from Jason, but decides that he probably should spend more time with his children.

Walking over to the DVD wall (because of course the rich folk are going to have an entire wall or two of movies), Bruce sees an odd addition sitting on a small table to the side. ‘The Lego Batman Movie’ it says, with LEGO versions of several members of the family on the cover. “What is this? Where did you get it?”

Barbara is the one who answers, “It’s from an alternate universe, where apparently we are all fictional characters.”

“Quit jabbering and start the movie already!”

“Jason! Be nice!” Dick admonishes. “Alfie come watch the movie, I’m positive you’re in it, and LEGO movies are known to make fun of characters, so your character is definitely going to make fun of B.”

“Very well Master Dick. Has everyone got everything they desire?” Alfred sits down next to Bruce at everyone’s confirmation.

“Let’s get this started!” Dick exclaims, far too happily for someone to exist in Gotham, putting the disc in the player and grabbing the remote, before flipping into his seat causing some popcorn to fly. Mutters of ‘Show off’ could be heard. “And play!"

**“Black. All important movies start with a black screen.” The identifiably Batman-gravelly voice narrates.**

Both Jason and Steph start cracking up. The laughter waking Tim. Bruce’s face becomes grumpier with each passing second (definitely not a pout *wink*).

**“And music. Edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous. And logos. Really long and dramatic logos. Warner Bros. Why not ‘Warner Brothers’? I don't know.”**

Jason and Steph are on the floor crying, holding their stomachs. Various other viewers in different states of humour, from chuckling (Barbara, Dick, Tim) to smirking (Alfred, Cass, Damian) to the single annoyed look (Bruce). “Your voice!” “The intro!” are the only discernible things heard between gasps.

Dick pauses the movie, humorously asking, “Guys can you please keep quiet? It only just started.”

“Sorry Dickie-bird,” Jason doesn’t sound very apologetic, “I’ll, pftt, try.”

**“DC. The house that Batman built. Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I'm your Kryptonite.”**

“B, why can’t you be this funny?” Jason’s quiet streak didn’t last very long.

**“Hmm. Not sure what RatPac does, but that logo is macho. I dig it. Okay. Get yourself ready for some reading.**

**‘If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change. Hooo.’ – Michael Jackson**

**No. I said that.**

**‘If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change. Hooo.’ – Batman”**

“No you didn’t, Bruce.”

“I could have.” Bruce mumbles grumpily at Steph’s statement. He can already tell how much he is going to be made fun of both in the movie and in real life.

**“Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab.” His ninth ab is shown to be in the very centre of his other abs.**

Everyone’s cackling at that.

**“Now, let's start the movie.”**

**GOTHAM CITY AIRSPACE 10:25 is shown on screen, as well as a plane flying through the clouds.**

**One of the pilots communicates on the plane’s radio, “Gotham Tower, this is McGuffin Airlines, Flight 1138. We are transporting 11 million sticks of dynamite, 17,000 pounds of C-4, about 150 cute little classic bomb-type bombs –”**

**“– and two best friends!” The two pilots cheerfully announce this while high fiving.**

**“And request permission to fly over the most crime-ridden city in the world. Over.” The first pilot continues.**

Damian scoffs at that admission. “They are imbeciles.”

“They are just making fun of Gotham’s crime rate.” Dick reassures him, obviously no one would be this stupid. Right?

**Replying back, a man in the tower says, “I'm just looking at all the guys' faces here in the control tower."**

**Various people make remarks to the pilots very worrying announcement. “I'm good.”, “Sounds good to me.”, “Do it!”, “Yeah, as long as they're best friends.”, “Thumbs up!”.**

**“Yep, I think we're cool with that.” Radio tower guy responds.**

“Imbeciles. The lot of them.” No one could find it in themselves to disagree, but hey, this is fiction, so it’s funny.

**Immediately afterwards, a helicopter flies over and attaches itself to the plane. Multiple people exit, using gravity boots to reach the underside and cut through the door of the plane.**

**“Gentlemen, seal breach in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!” A voice declares.**

**Back in the cockpit. “What was that?”**

**“One of us should check it out.” Says the first pilot who made the radio call.**

**“Okay.”**

**At the same time. “Scissors, paper, rock.”**

**“Paper.” Exclaims pilot number 2.**

**“Scissors. Ha! You always do paper.”**

**“I'm a loser at home and a loser at work. Holy cow! Whoa!”**

“Dude!” Steph snorts, either at the bluntness of the ‘loser’ comment, or the fact that a parachute was attached to the pilot before he was flung out of the back of the plane, because this is, of course, a children’s movie.

**“Captain Dale, is everything okay?”**

**“I am afraid Captain Dale had to bail. I'm your new co-pilot. And I always come to work with a smile!” The Joker reveals himself, putting on his best shark-tooth smile. But stops, “You should be terrified.”**

The pilot’s non-reactance causing everyone to snort.

**“Why?”**

**“Because I will be taking over the city.” All he gets in response is humming.**

**“What?” He asks earnestly.**

**“Batman will stop you.” The Joker sputters at that. “He always stops you.”**

**The Joker is clearly very much in denial. “No he doesn't.” So much denial.**

**“What about that time with the two boats?” The pilot is still calmly flying the plane.**

**“This is better that the two boats.” He receives another hum. “Well, TONIGHT, is gonna be different. Tonight, is my greatest plan yet. And trust me, Batman's never gonna see it coming.”**

**GOTHAM ENERGY FACILITY can be seen on screen.**

**“Like that time with the parade and the Prince music?”**

**“Hey, quiet!” The Joker clearly having enough of being reminded of his failures.**

Everyone in the theatre is chuckling and greatly enjoying seeing the Joker being made fun of. This movie could help many of those watching with their Joker related trauma (*cough* therapy *cough*).

**“Good night, Steve.” Says a man in a car.**

**“Take it easy, Jeff.” Steve replies, watching him drive off. Man, I really like that guy. I sure hope nothing bad happens to him.” Jinxing Jeff to a horrible fate.**

"Something bad is definitely going to happen to him.”

“What an astute observation Drake, you truly are a detective.” Damian sarcastically grumbles. A perfect image of Bruce, though they are both grumpy about different things.

“Thanks for the compliment.”

“It was sarcasm you dolt!” The only reason Damian hadn’t skewered Tim was Dick holding him back combined with Alfred’s disapproving stare.

**Jeff, whistling and singing, “Nothing bad ever happens to me. What the...” is suddenly blocked by a giant question mark. The Riddler steals Jeff's arm.**

**The Joker now narrating, “Your city is under attack by Gotham's greatest criminal minds. Including** **The Riddler. Scarecrow –”**

**“Pizza delivery.” Scarecrow then breathes fear gas into Steve’s face.**

**“– Bane –”**

**“Hello.”**

**“– Two-Face! –”**

**“We need that door open, baby!” It’s Two-face driving a truck at high-speed.**

**“– Catwoman –”**

**Sitting on top of the facility with a laptop, Catwoman smashes at the keyboard. “Meow, meow. You're in! Meow, meow.”**

Dick immediately pauses the movie, predicting a loud lengthy ruckus to follow. “Bruce...” Anything else he had to say disappeared in a fit of giggles. Even Damian was doing his best to hold back a grin. Bruce groans. Cass is shaking. Alfred is openly chuckling. The rest are inconsolable.

“HAHAHA! Oh my God! This is the best day ever!” Jason is once again on the floor, with Steph draped across him in a similar state.

In between wheezes, Tim adds, “I don’t think any of us will be able to look at Selina without laughing for quite a while.”

“Meow, meow.” Whispers Cass, sending off another wave of laughter. The lips of Bruce’s mouth start twitching. Both from the hilariousness of his lover being depicted as always saying meow and seeing all his children (non-legally included) all happy and laughing for once.

_(The next night on patrol, the Batfam encounter Catwoman after an alert about a break-in at the museum. Of which has absolutely nothing to do with the sparkling jewellery hanging off Catwoman’s neck and wrists._

_“Catwoman. Return the jewellery.” Batman orders in his open-titling-screen-gravelly voice._

_Catwoman ignores the command and seductively sways her hips. “Batman. How are you and the children? It’s been a while since I last visited.”_

_Just as Batman was about to repeat his previous statement, it’s Robin that fuels the laughter fire by saying “meow, meow” with the smuggest look on his face as he stares his father down. Batman regrets having children._

_The rest of his children immediately start laughing. Poor sleep-deprived Red Robin is startled by Red Hood’s initial yell of laughter, that he almost falls into a dumpster below only to be saved by Nightwing._

_Catwoman is confused, but before she can ask Batman, he says “We had movie night.” And promptly disappears and calls it a night.)_

Once the movie has everyone’s full, undivided attention, Dick continues the film.

**As the truck Two-face is driving comes crashing through the opening doors, a security guard shouts, “I'm jumping out of the way!”**

**The Joker still hasn’t finished introducing the villains though, “And let's not forget, Clayface.” Guards fire their weapons at Clayface.**

The sounds of the guards saying ‘pew, pew’ as the weapons’ sound effects causes many snorts (and they definitely don’t decide to add their own sound effects in the future) **.**

**"Poison Ivy.”**

**“Freeze!” Says a guard.**

**“No! You freeze!” Responds, as you can probably guess…**

**“Mr. Freeze! Penguin, Crazy Quilt, Eraser. Polka-Dot Man, Mime, Tarantula. King Tut, Orca, Killer Moth, March Harriet, Zodiac Master, Gentleman Ghost. Clock King, Calendar Man, Kite-Man,  
Catman, Zebra-Man, and the Condiment King.” Each villain being shown briefly.**

“Seriously B?!”

“Unfortunately.” He sighs.

**“Okay, are you making some of those up?” The pilot doubts.**

**“Nope, they're all real. Probably worth a Google.” Answers the Joker.**

**GOTHAM CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT**

**A woman is seen rushing through a building knocking into people who decide to exclaim things like, ‘Hey, watch it!’. A very reasonable reaction when you get shoved.**

**“Commissioner Gordon!” She says at the doorway to an office.**

**“What is it, O'Hara?” Commissioner Gordon questions.**

**“We just got a report! All the Z-grade villains have broken into the energy plant! What are we gonna do, sir?”**

**“The only thing we ever do.” He pulls out a big yellow button with a bat-symbol on it. “Flip the switch to the Bat-Signal! Flip!” He presses the button.**

“Dad isn’t that incompetent.” Complains Barbara. The others agree but understand that this movie does purposefully make fun of characters.

**On the roof of GCPD there seems to be a problem. “Commissioner, are you there? The Bat-Signal, she's been egged!”**

“Hey guys, I have an idea.”

“No, Jason!”

“You’re no fun B.”

**O’Hara, now covered in eggs. “It's Egghead, sir. I'm well aware of his work.” Her eyes narrow.**

**Back on the plane. “Dear gosh. You've destroyed the Bat-Signal. You have thought of everything.”**

**“Yeah, I know! And when I take over Gotham City –”**

**At the energy plant, a Jeff’s hand is placed on a scanner. “Opening reactor core doors.”  
  
“– Batman will grovel at the feet of his greatest enemy! Me! The Joker!” Cue evil laughter.  
  
**Bruce glares at the screen. “Batman will not!” **  
  
In a purple and green car, drives Harley Quinn on a walkie-talkie, “Joker, do you read me?”  
  
“10-4, girl buddy.” Joker removes the captain hat from his head.  
  
“We're ready for you, sugar plum.”  
  
“Well, then, let's raise the roof!” He declares in his usual purple and green ensemble.  
  
”Fire in the hole!” Bane fires at the ceiling of the energy facility creating a hole.  
  
Speeding along in a police car, Gordon questions his companion holding a red phone. “O'Hara, have you tried the Bat-Phone?”  
  
“Yes, but all I'm getting is this hold music.” The music that had been playing in the background suddenly comes out of the phone. “I love it.”  
  
**“Maybe we should all get ourselves some dramatic theme music?”  
  
“HELL YEAH WE SHOULD DICKHEAD!”  
  
“Master Jason!”  
  
“Sorry Alfred.” **  
  
The bomb filled plane can be seen hovering over the Bane-made hole, while the police car comes to a screeching halt. Immediately rushing out Gordon orders, “I want snipers trained on that building!”**  
  
 **“You bet!”**  
  
 **“I want water and air support yesterday.”**  
  
 **“Ahoy, sir!”**  
  
 **“And I need SWAT here now!”**  
  
 **A police officer hands Gordon a phone. “Phone call for Commissioner Gordon.”**  
  
 **“Hello? Batman?” Hint. It’s not Batman.  
  
** ‘Does everyone really rely so much on Batman?’ Ponders Bruce.  
  
 **It’s the Joker. “Hi, Jimmy! It's the Jokes. Whoop!” The bomb is pushed out of the plane with the Joker on it.**  
  
 **“Nobody calls you that.”**  
  
 **The Joker sputter indignantly. “Yes, people do call me that! Okay, listen up! –”**  
  
 **The Penguin’s penguin minions dive into the coolant water like synchronised swimmers would. “Go, go, go!”**  
  
 **“– At this very moment, an unnecessarily, complicated bomb is being attached to the inside of the main energy core.” The penguins attach the bomb to the core. “If the Mayor isn't here in five minutes to negotiate the city's surrender, then I shall destroy Gotham City.”  
  
Killer Croc then activates the bomb exclaiming, “I did something!” Yay for him!  
  
**“This is just completely desensitizing the rogues for me, they’re ridiculous.” Everyone agrees with Steph’s statement.  
  
“I can’t wait until they start making fun of Bruce!” People agree even more with Barbara (except of course Bruce).  
  
 **Screens in Gotham’s city centre are shown. On them a newscaster questions, “Doctor, that sounds frightening and overly complicated. Talk us through it.”  
  
** “I love how they keep mentioning how overly complicated it is.” Tim opinion is met with many snorts. The theatre is becoming a pigsty.  
  
 **“Well, I don't wanna scare any small children who may be listening.” The doctor walks over to a model of Gotham. “But, it's a little known fact that Gotham city is built on a bunch of flimsy plates stuck together. There's literally nothing beneath us, except an infinite abyss that smells like dirty underwear. If Joker's bomb were to go off these plates would break apart, plunging every Gotham citizen into the eternal abyss forever.  
  
** “How reassuring.” Mutters Damian. Bruce in all his seriousness, agrees that the announcement could have been handled better. **  
  
**“Wait,” Dick squints, “Is that from the Lego Movie?” Because of course he has seen every single children’s movie. **  
  
The Joker can be seen on a big screen to the many Gothamites watching. “And you wouldn't want that, now, would you? Now give the Mayor! Joker out!” Phone drop instead of mic drop.  
  
Gordon turns to the Mayor who is being harnessed to a helicopter. “Madam Mayor, I cannot ask you to do this.”  
  
“Jim, did you find Batman?”  
  
“No, ma'am.”  
  
“Then we have no choice. The Joker has the upper hand. We have to surrender Gotham City.”  
  
**“I believe that Batman will soon be making an appearance.” The butler’s intuition knows no bounds. **  
  
“Oh, no!”  
  
“I'm sorry!” The Mayor yells while being flown away.  
  
“Flying the Mayor package in right now.” States the helicopter pilot.  
  
The SWAT leader orders his team. “SWAT team, get your stun guns ready!”  
  
“Non-lethal! Yeah!”  
  
**Bruce nods approvingly, while others know that sometimes lethality is necessary. **  
  
“Lowering Mayor package through hole.” The Mayor lands on a pile of debris, the rouges driving around her in circles.  
  
“Madam Mayor! Thanks for dropping by.” Declares the Joker, who is swinging around the outside of his clown car like an unruly child on a shopping cart in a supermarket.  
  
The Mayor scoffs at that. “I've only got one thing to say to you Joker.”  
  
**Bruce is officially suspicious. But when is he not. **  
  
“Well, you better make it fast.”  
  
“Do you like to gamble?” The Mayor inquires, not facing the Joker.  
  
“Oh, I certainly do.”  
  
“Do you ever play roulette?” The Mayor keeping her back to the Joker.  
  
“On occasion.”  
  
**The tension in the room increases as everyone can sense that something is about to happen. Mostly that Batman is going to make his appearance and save the day (but not completely because it is still the beginning of the movie). **  
  
“Well, let me give you a word of advice.”  
  
“I'm all ears.”  
  
“When playing roulette...”  
  
“Yes?” The Joker now lying horizontally on the car door.  
  
“...always bet on black.” The voice turned gravelly; mask ripped off revealing the Mayor was Batman all along.**


	2. BATMAN! (Heavy Metal Edition)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kudos and comments!

**_“When playing roulette...”_ **

**_“Yes?” The Joker now lying horizontally on the car door._ **

**_“...always bet on black.” The voice turned gravelly; mask ripped off showing the Mayor was Batman all along._ **

“OOOHH!” Screams fill the theatre. “Epic reveal!”

**The Joker is horrified by this new development, and just a little bit concerned. “Batman? What are you doing? You're completely outnumbered here! Are you nuts?”**

This statement is rightfully followed by a chorus of ‘Yes he is!’, considering they are talking about a man who dresses as a bat to beat up criminals.

**“You want to get nuts? Come on!” Batman selects ‘LET’S GET NUTS Mix’ on his cowl. “Let's get nuts! Cause I wrote a song about how I'm gonna kick all your butts.” Unnecessary flips are executed while he sheds the last of his disguise.**

“Hey, Bruce –” Whatever Dick was about to ask was promptly cut off by Bruce.

“No.” Party pooper.

**“Stop him before he starts singing.” The Joker orders almost desperately. But of course, he is too late. Cue fighting montage.**

**_In the darkest night, I make the bad guys fall. There's a million heroes._ **

**Batman pauses in his fighting. “Computer, overcompensate.”**

**_But I'm the best of them all!_ **

**“I'm on my way, sir.” Answers Bat-Siri. The Batmobile crashes through the wall behind Batman, taking out a few villains.**

“Siri??” What’s a competitor’s AI voice doing here.

**_Who has the coolest gadgets? Batman!  
Who has the tricked-out ride? Batman!  
Who does the sickest backflips? Batman! Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Batman! Yeah! Batman Jam! _ **

**The Batmobile pops out wings and starts doing donuts. “Dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, Batman!” Batman is definitely enjoying himself.**

Bruce was not enjoying this, a major contradiction to the wide grins on everyone else’s face.

**The Batwing starts flying and taking out the aerial attackers. _You think my muscles are big?_ “Thank you!” _You haven't seen my brain. Ladies, it's okay if you stare. Why?_ “Cause I'm a billionaire!”**

“Bruce?! A little vain don’t you think?” Dick is amused.

Bruce is not. “That. Isn’t. Me.” He grits out.

**“Get it together, guys! You're making me look bad in front of Batman.” How embarrassing for the Joker, and even more embarrassing for the others.**

**“'Puter, where's the bomb?”**

**“The bomb is located at the base of the energy core.” Annoying penguins who can somehow hold weapons start attacking the Batwing.**

**“What the?” Batman commits animal abuse.**

**_I get the last laugh, I get the final grin, throw you into the asylum with Harley Quinn, Turn Two-Face to black and blue face._ **

“I have to use that.” It was hard to tell who said that over the totally awesome heavy metal bat-music, but it could have been everyone.

_(“I’ll turn your Two-Face, to black and blue face!” Two-Face doesn’t have enough time to be confused or even amused before a flying kick hits him in the jaw._

_The same thing is said by a different vigilante the next encounter._

_And the time after that._

_And the next.)_

**Goodbye Batwing. “Pew! Pew!” You are now a bat-icicle courtesy of Mr. Freeze.**

**_I 100% am not Bruce Wayne!_ ** **Batman’s epic bat-jump is interrupted by a vine.**

“Definitely not. Bruce Wayne doesn’t sing.” Mused Steph, amusedly.

“Batman doesn’t sing either.” At least not Bruce’s Batman.

**“Kiss me, Batman.” Poison Ivy ends up kissing a penguin. “Ew!” And keeps on kissing them.**

**_Who is the manliest man? Batman!  
With the buns of steel? Batman!_ **

The wheezing of the batkids are just background noises at this point.

**“'Puter.” The defrosted Batwing cuts him free.**

**_Who can choke-hold a bear? Batman!  
Who never skips leg day? Batman!_ **

As the song progresses, Bruce's eyebrows inch together slowly, merging to become a single mono-bat-brow, suspiciously in the shape of the iconic bat-symbol.

 **_Who always pays their taxes?_ ** **“Not Batman!”**

“BRUCE!! It’s important to pay your taxes.” Tim is just thinking about the nightmare that could be caused if people found out Bruce didn’t pay his taxes.

“Bruce Wayne pays taxes!” He’s so affronted that he speaks in third person.

**Disbelief in the face of the Joker. “How is he beating all of you again?” At the same time!**

**“Because” Lots of bat-punching. “I'm Batman.” Jazz hands.**

**Two-face is running. "It's gonna blow.” Everyone is running.**

**“ _I'm Batman_!” Where did he get that electric guitar? “ _I'M BATMAN!_ ” ~~Grandma~~ Batman got ran over by the Joker, in his own Jokermobile.**

**“Hi, Batman. So weird to keep running into you.” The Joker proceeds to run into a pillar. Cue bat-flip off the hood.**

**_Dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, dana, Batman!_ **

Bruce steals the remote from Dick to make something VERY CLEAR to the devious minds of his children. “None of you are to play or sing this song. Ever.” Pfft, like that will ever stop them.

_(Especially when they later meet with Gordon at GCPD about a case._

_Competent, responsible Batgirl. Batman thought he would be safe from her, but her whispers say otherwise. “Who has the coolest gadgets?”_

_A chorus of yells of ‘Batman!’ scare most of the officers._

_“Who has the tricked-out ride?” Trust Red Hood to continue any mischief._

_“Batman!”_

_“Who does the sickest backflips?” Asks the backflip master._

_Unanimously everyone yells, “Nightwing!”_

_Batman is extremely upset by this and promptly melts into the shadows, never to be seen again.)_

Dick swiftly steals the remote back, pouting at Bruce. The expression unable to be held because of the infectious laughter that only Bruce has the vaccine for.

**Batman breaks through Joker’s steering wheel shield. “Looks like your plan failed.”**

**“Well, it's only a matter of time before I take over Gotham City.” It’s dangerous to leave weapons lying around. You never know when the Joker is going to get his hands on it. Like right now. “Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.” His shots miss like a stormtrooper’s.**

“Not if I have anything to say about it.”

“Master Jason put that gun away now.” Jason wisely does as he’s told.

**“When does that ever happen? Computer.”**

**“Calculating.” Waiting. “Never.” Absolute burn.**

**“You know why?” The Batman approaches. “Because I'm always one step ahead of you.”**

**The Joker blows up the bridge they’re on and flies away on his balloon jetpack. “And I always get away.”**

“True.”

**“Not this time.” Batman’s got him on the ropes, grappling ropes. “Cause this time...” He shoots another grappling hook stopping the Joker from leaving. “I've got you.”**

**“Oh, yeah? Well, there's only one problem. Who's gonna defuse the bomb? It's gotta be one or the other, Batman. Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy. You can't do both.”**

**“I’m sorry. What did you just say?” Patented bat-confusion™.**

**“You can’t do both, I said.”**

**“No, I mean the other thing.”**

**“Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy.”**

**“You think you're my greatest enemy?”**

**“Yes! You're obsessed with me.” He is.**

**Batman disagrees, sputtering out a “No, I'm not.”**

**“Yes, you are.”** “Yes, you are.”

**“No, I'm not.” Bat-denial™.**

**“Yes, you are! Who else drives to one up in the way that I do?”**

**“Bane.”**

**“No, he doesn't.”**

**“Superman.”**

“I’m telling Clark.” Dick is too cheerful for someone who is about to be made fun of later.

**“Superman's not a bad guy.”**

**“Then I'd say I don't currently have a bad guy. I am fighting a few different people.”**

**“What?” Like the thought is just incomprehensible.**

**“I like to fight around.”**

“Bruce Wayne sleeps around, Batman fights around. Always avoiding any commitment.” Jason’s snide commentary isn’t welcome in Bruce’s book. But this isn’t his book, it’s his movie.

**And now, presenting, jilted lover Joker. “Okay, look. I am fine with you fighting other people if you want to do that. But what we have is special. So, when people ask you, "Who's your number one bad guy?" You say...”**

**“Superman.”**

“Master Bruce, seriously?” This film has accurately portrayed how much of a petulant child Bruce is.

“That’s not me Alfred!”

**“Are you seriously saying that there is nothing, nothing special about our relationship?” The Joker is getting desperate now.**

“Did this all of a sudden become a romcom, because that was unexpected.”

“You better wish, Drake, that Father and the Joker do not make relations, because then we would also be related to that abhorrent clown.” Damian has put up with enough crazy family members thank you very much.

**“Whoa.” Yeah, whoa. “Let me tell you something, J-Bird. Batman doesn't do ships.” On AO3 he does.**

“I’M J-BIRD. YOU CAN’T CALL MY KILLER MY NAME!”

“Jason,” Bruce sighs, “you call yourself Red Hood.”

“HE killed ME. I can call myself whatever I want.”

**“What?” The Joker is stunned.**

**“As in, ‘Relationships.’” Stop being mean Batman. “There is no ‘us.’ Batman and Joker are not a thing. I don't need you. I don't anyone. You mean nothing to me.” The Joker is really sad now, Batman. “No one does.” That is sad.**

The audience is stunned, but Steph is the first to speak. “I almost feel bad for the Joker. Almost. At least this version.” Many can agree.

“Always knew B would push away everyone around him.” Just you wait Jason, just you wait.

**Batman hasn’t forgotten about the bomb though and releases the Joker to fly away heartbroken. Just like in any film, tension is increased by a last second save. The citizens of Gotham just waiting for the explosion.**

**But wait! Batman saved the day! “Hurray! Batman, you did it!”**

“Tt. Of course he did. Father isn’t that incompetent.” At least someone has faith in Bruce.

**Batman is immediately carried into the awaiting crowds. “You're welcome. Oh, my pleasure.”**

“Very humble, B.”

“Jason.” Bruce says in warning.

**“Thank you, Batman!” He is surrounded by adoring crowds, who seem to be constantly carrying ‘I <3 Batman’ signs with them, considering how fast they appeared. “Batman, we love you!”**

**“Thank you. I'm blushing super hard under the mask.”**

“So humble.”

“Barbara…”

**“Grazie, Batman.” A chef blows him a kiss.**

**Bat responds so humbly, “Prego.”**

**“You're the best, Batman!”**

**“Oh, I'm humble.”**

“Extremely humble.”

Bruce can feel a headache coming on. “Stephanie.”

**“Thanks, Batman!”**

**“I'm super modest about it. Thank you.”**

“So modest.” Dick drapes himself over Bruce.

**“Batman, you're the greatest!”**

**“Oh, pray hands, pray hands.” The Batmobile pulls up to Batman.**

Cass mimics the pray hands, causing those in view of her to crack up laughing.

**“Thanks for saving the city.”**

**“You're welcome.”**

“Tt. You are the pinnacle of humility, Father.” Bruce has given up.

**“Batman, I love you more than my kids.”**

**Batman drives away yelling, “So do I, guy!” The fire coming out of the back of the vehicle should have roasted them all.**

**As he drives through the city, everyone is cheering and congratulating him.**

**“Ha, ha, ha, I love my life.” Does he though? “Computer.”**

**“Go ahead.”**

**“Are we near the orphanage?” Birds of a feather, flock together I suppose.**

“Are you going to adopt them all, Sir? I do believe you are still banned from orphanages.”

“Tt. He better not.” Bruce should have stopped at 2 children.

**“Yes.”**

**“Great. Let's turn those frowns upside down.”**

“Yo. What’s a kid doing sitting up that high? That’s gotta be Dickhead, right? The movie had Robin on the cover with no pants.” Jason’s words cause dread to wash over Dick. The joke material for his lack of pants alone, could kill him with embarrassment.

**“That sounds like the Batmobile.” A giant explosion can be seen. The Batmobile lands solidly in front of the orphanage. “No way!” Now on the ground, the child yells out, “Hey, orphans, look who's here.” And proceeds to get trampled by them.**

“Sucks for that kid.” We’re getting some real sympathy from Jason here.

**“Hey, kids, who wants a shot from the merch gun?”**

**What orphans wouldn’t want free bat-merch? “I do! I do!” So do I.**

“Can we get a merch gun?”

“No Dick.” Well, there goes that idea… Or does it?

**“Great. Kaboom!”**

**“I got a lunch box.” Not really something I want.**

**“Kaboom!” That makes the merch gun sound very dangerous.**

**“I got a sippy cup.” Better.**

**“Kaboom!”**

**“I got a Batarang!” That’s more like it!**

**“And the rest of you get Batbucks.” What can you buy with those? “Kaboom! Remember, kids. If you want to be like Batman take care of your abs. Batman out.”**

“Ah yes. Master Bruce has always cared very much about his physique.” Sassy Alfred is the best Alfred.

“Father, you should exercise more if you wish to stay Batman.” Oh, how Bruce wishes he could wipe that smug grin off his son’s face. Instead, he chooses to ignore all comments and laughter aimed at him.

**“Batman! Batman! Batman!” Batman decides to dangerously drive around the cheering orphans, causing all the Batbucks to fly in the air. The safest thing Batman has done today, is drive AWAY from the orphans.**

**“Thanks, Batman! You're my hero!” Poor lonely child.**

**Epic scene of the Batmobile changing into the Batwing and flying around the city.**

“That is SO COOL! Why can’t we do that? Bruce PLEASE!!!”

“If you can build it Dick.”

“I will aid you in your mission, for you will need my skills.”

Dick the octopus makes his appearance by hugging Damian. “Aww. Thank you, Baby Bat.”

“Unhand me this instance!” To which Dick reluctantly does. Eventually.

**WAYNE MANOR ON WAYNE ISLAND**

**“What is the password?” Asks Bat-Siri as Batman nears the island.**

**“Iron Man sucks.”**

Jason shakes his head disapprovingly. “Disrespecting the dead, B?”

**“Thank you.”**

**A reporter makes their comment on the latest events. “It must be great to be Batman. I can only imagine he is going home right now to party the night away, surrounded by scores of friends and lady tennis players.”**

“’lady tennis players.’ Very kid friendly. Finally, something age appropriate for Demon Spawn here.”

“I WILL END YOU TODD.”

“TRY IT!”

“Master Jason, Master Damian. If you could please keep your comments to yourself, that would be greatly appreciated.”

“Yes, Alfred.” “Yes, Pennyworth.”

**The Batwing enters the cave and comes to a stop. Bats fly off, squeaking as bats do.**

**“Hey, computer. I'm home.” Echo, echo, echo. The Batcave is quiet and empty. So very lonely compared to the partying in the streets.**


	3. Bat-tantrum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the kudos and comments!
> 
> I got distracted from writing by diamond art, so I'll try to update at least once a week, but if that doesn't happen blame the diamond art.
> 
> Enjoy!

**_The Batwing enters the cave and comes to a stop. Bats fly off, squeaking as bats do._ **

**_“Hey, computer. I'm home.” Echo, echo, echo. The Batcave is quiet and empty. So very lonely compared to the partying in the streets._ **

“It has been many years since the Cave has been that quiet. The noise is quite welcoming if I must say, Sir. You were quite lonely before.”

“Yes Alfred.” Bruce side-eyes his kids. “Though there is a time and place for such noise.” You can probably imagine all the things everyone got up to.

**“Welcome home, sir. Initializing Batcave operating system.” Mechanical arms lift platforms to form a walkway, that Batman then walks along.**

“Sweet cave. Yo B! You holding out on us?”

Bruce does in fact like that cave. “All that technology is highly unnecessary, Jason.”

**“Hey, ‘Puter.”**

**“What's up, Batman?”**

**Batman pulls out the GIANT bomb from his pocket. “Put this bomb in the museum.”**

Tim’s brows furrow. “How were you able to hold that?” Sleep is important, kiddos.

“Again. That isn’t me. And this is a cartoon.”

Tim just looks confused. Maybe Bruce is a Time-Lord and has pockets that are bigger on the inside.

**“Certainly, Sir.”**

**“Thank you.”**

**“No worries.”**

The sudden change in pace confuses the watchers.

**“Anything exciting happened when I was gone?”**

**“You have four pieces of mail.”**

**“Great. What'd I get?”**

**“You have this week's penny saver, two bills, and a coupon for bed, bath, and beyond. It expires in two weeks. But I've heard that some stores will honour the past expiry date.”**

**“Copy that.”**

**“Also, Alfred is on the 17th floor grouting tiles in the second bathroom of the fifth master bedroom.”**

Snorts all around. “17th floor? 2nd bathroom? Of the 5th master bedroom?” Each of these questions said with intermittent wheezing. “Alfred? Is the Manor really that big?”

“Thankfully not, Master Dick.”

**“Do you want me to tell Alfred you're home?” Batman strips himself of his suit and puts on a robe, his cowl still on his head.**

**“No, that's cool, Computer. Thanks for the update. I should probably have some dinner.”**

**“Alfred left your lobster thermidor in the fridge.”**

**“Oh, that's my favourite. I can't wait.” Batman takes the elevator up slowly. You would think that a billionaire would be able to afford a faster elevator.**

“Are you not going to take off your cowl?” Thank you, Barbara, for pointing out what everyone was thinking.

**It’s quite in the kitchen as Batman puts his lobster thermidor into the giant microwave and accidentally puts in 20 minutes. “Oh, not 20:00. Stupid.”**

“LOL. Fail.”

**Batman changes the time to 2 minutes and stands around waiting for it to finish. The silence is disrupted by the microwave and Batman making ‘popping’ sounds.**

**Batman then eats his lobster thermidor on his Bat-jet ski, afterwards pulling out an electric guitar and plays for a bit.**

**In his home theatre, he attempts to play a movie but selects the wrong HDMI. “Oh. There which one is, uh… Okay.” But manages to choose correctly.**

Jason stands tall, clearing his throat. “You heard it here folks! Batman is a normal failure of a human being.”

“Who eats lobster on a jet ski and has a home theatre!” Steph adds cheekily.

**_“You complete me.”_ **

**“BAHAHAHAHA”**

Sputtering and snorts all around.

**_“Shut up. You had me at hello.”_ **

**Batman chuckles. “I love it.” He then looks around and is reminded of his loneliness.**

The mood in the theatre is solemn, having just seen the loneliness that Bruce probably felt in the past.

**Later, he walks over to a wall displaying his family pictures. Looking up, he speaks to them, “Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. I, uh – I saved the city again today. I wish you've could've seen me. I think you would have been really proud.”**

Bruce’s attention is glued to the screen, wistful and somber.

**“There you are.” Batman jumps and kicks Alfred into a piano.**

Surprised gasps are all I can say.

**“Oh, Alfred! I am so sorry. I have incredible reflexes.”**

Steph is still in shock. “You can’t even apologize without complimenting yourself.”

**“No, it's all my fault, sir. I should have known better than to sneak up on you like that.”**

**“All right. Just lost in thought as you know. When I'm in there I'm in deep.”**

**“Were you looking at the old family pictures again?”**

**“At the what? The old family... Oh, yes. I see what you mean. Look at that. The old gang. Yeah, no I wasn't.”**

“Bull –”

“Master Jason!”

**“I see. Sir, if you don't mind by my saying. I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in 2016, 2012, 2008, 2005, 1997, 1995, 1992, and 1982, and that weird one in 1966.”**

“I’m guessing that is referencing past movies. That’s a lot.”

**“Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?”**

**“I don't talk about feelings Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting, vigilante, and a heavy-metaling rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotional, except rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there is something behind that then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.”**

“This film is surprisingly very accurate, from my portrayal, to Master Bruce’s.” Bruce sputters at that.

Oh, how his kids are enjoying this movie. “So B has always been this difficult?” All Alfred does is nod in confirmation.

**Lego Alfred is done with Batman’s BS. “Sir, its morning.” The curtains open and light shines through.**

**Batman is a vampire confirmed. “The sun!” Hiss.**

“Hahaha. We have to bring back the ‘Batman is a vampire’ rumour!”

“Tim. No. I’ve had enough people coming after me with a stake and holy water.”

**“Master Bruce, you live on an island figuratively, and literally.”**

“Rich people.” Jason mutters.

**“Yeah, I love it.”**

**“You can't spend the rest of your life alone, dressed in black, listening to angry music, and staying up all night.”**

**“Yes, I can.” Wherever Batman got the Batarangs while in his robe, I don’t want to know. “'Cause I'm Batman.”**

“And Batman is an angsty teen.”

**“But don't you think it’s time you finally faced your greatest fear?”**

**“Snakes?”**

**“No.”**

**“Clowns?”**

**“No.” I admire Alfred’s patience.**

**“Snake clowns?”**

**“Bruce, listen. Your greatest fear is being a part of a family again.”**

“Well, it seems like you have conquered your greatest fear.” Dick playfully drapes himself over Bruce, turning it into a hug.

Damian scoffs. “More like overdone it.”

**Batman turns to stare at the photos but turns away. “Nope. Now it's snake clowns because you put that idea in my head.”**

**“Sir?”**

**“Time for push-ups!” Avoiding emotions as usual. “One, two... We're going to 1,000.”**

“Alfred. You are the most patient person on Earth.”

“In this house, I have to be, Master Dick.”

**“I'm afraid that's not possible, sir.”**

**“Oh, it is possible. I'm already at 20.”**

**“You're scheduled to go to Jim Gordon's retirement party.”**

**“What? No. I don't wanna do that.” Batman’s a petulant child.**

Everyone is laughing at Bruce. Bruce is miffed, he would never behave like that.

**“You're going to have a great time!”**

**“No, no, no.” Batman bat-flops across the floor.**

The laughter increases.

**“You might meet some new people!”**

**Batman flops towards the stairs. “No, no, no!”**

Half the occupants are on the floor.

**“You could even make some new friends.”**

**He’s now making his way up the stairs. “No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.” In the tune to Batman’s theme song. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No!” Before plonking himself down with his arms crossed.**

Bruce wants the ground to swallow him whole.

_(And nevermore wanted it to happen than a week later at the Watchtower._

_Several members of the Justice League have gathered to discuss a mission requiring some of the Batfamily’s unique skillset; Batman, Nightwing, Red Robin, Black Bat, and Robin are present. The meeting results in a disagreement from Batman, who replies with a growled, “No.”_

_Black Bat finds this the opportune time to mock him with a, “No, no, no, no, NO!” Causing Nightwing to flop dramatically over the floor; Red Robin to collapse laughing; and Robin to chuckle, scaring all those present._

_Batman is nowhere to be seen for weeks.)_

**“And before you go, we can do your favourite thing.”**

**“Tuxedo dress-up party.”**

Dick is moving to the music. “We have to do that!”

Apparently, Dick is the only one who wants to, as everyone looks horrified at the thought.

**Batman, now in a white tuxedo, sits in his limo with Alfred at the wheel. “Sir, aren't you forgetting something?”**

**“Nope.”**

**“Your cowl.”** “Your cowl.”

**“My what, now?”**

Steph stands up and cups her hands around her mouth. “TAKE OFF YOUR FURRY MASK!”

“Miss Stephanie, would you please sit down.”

**“Your armoured face disguise?”**

**“Fine.” He begrudgingly removes his cowl, hair messing up. “Happy now?”**

**“Indubitably.” God gave Alfred patience, for if he were given strength, the world wouldn’t exist.**

**“Good. Must be nice to be happy.” Emo.**

“But you’re happy now, right Bruce?”

How could this movie make Bruce even remotely happy? “Not right now, son.”

This of course triggers octopus Dick.

**Batman, now Bruce, turns on the TV in his limo. It’s the news.**

**The reporter introduces the show. “Tonight, on Metropolis in Focus, we have our favourite star, Superman!”**

**“What up, Gotham!” Superman flies in and takes a seat. Bruce blows raspberries and gives Superman a thumbs down.**

Bruce narrows his eyes at the screen. “Really, Master Bruce?” His children are all snickering at him.

**“Superman, tell me. How do you feel about your recent banishment of Zod to the Phantom Zone?”**

**“Yeah, look, Pippa, it's... It's complicated. Okay? Zod and I, we've had some pretty epic battles over the years. I don't believe I would be Superman without fighting Zod.” The movie now shows the Joker watching the news, various Rogue Gallery members scattered about.**

**The Joker is slumped on a chair. “See? Superman gets it. Why can't Batman?”**

Bruce is glaring now.

**The Calculator looks very proud of himself. “Check it out guys. I built a CD rack. Ta-da!” The CD rack immediately falls apart.**

**“And how am I supposed to get Batman's respect, when I'm working with these human farts?”**

**Harley skates around in front of the Joker. “Boo-boo, look at me; you're too good for Batman. He needs to open his eyes and see what it feels like when you're not around. Okay?”**

**On the TV, Superman continues chatting with the reporter.**

**“...yeah, Pippa. I couldn't put Zod in a regular prison, right? He's Zod. Come on! No, he needed to go someplace where he could NEVER harm Metropolis ever again. The Phantom Zone.”**

Tim is so tired. “If only Arkham was secure enough that there wouldn’t be breakouts every other week.” Civil engineering majors are probably given group projects where they have to design a better Arkham Asylum.

**“Ah, yes, the notorious space jail that houses the greatest super-villains of all time.”**

**Superman is unprofessional and excited. “They've got, like, the SICKEST baddies up there. They got, like, THIS guy.” Dinosaur roars can be heard. The Joker’s interest is piqued.**

“Jurassic Park? World?” That can’t be right Tim. They don’t exist in your universe in real life.

**“And her.” The Wicked Witch of the West. _“I'll get you, my pretty.”_ **

Of course, Jason recognizes her. “That’s gotta be the Wicked Witch of the West.” Still doesn’t exist irl.

**“To say nothing about him.” Voldemort. _“Wingardium Leviosa!”_ The Joker is sitting up now.**

“Voldemort?” Steph is excited. Fictional.

**“And these guys.” Daleks, obviously. _“EXTERMINATE!”_**

Barbara is apparently a whovian. “YES! DALEKS!” You don’t want them to exist.

**“I'm starting to get an idea, monkey face.” And the Joker is back to his evil self.**


	4. Introducing Dick and Barbara

**_“I'm starting to get an idea, monkey face.” And the Joker is back to his evil self._ **

Bruce, Tim, and Damian are staring intently at the screen wondering what the Joker has planned.

**Lego Bruce arrives and exits his limo, reporters and photographers border the red carpet. “Bruce, over here!”**

**Bruce turns up the playboy charm. “Okay, shutterbugs. Look alive, here we go. I'm gonna give you three poses. You ready? Kissy face.” The cameras are loving it. “Oops, I did it again.” 2 nd pose. “And the Bad Boys. What you gonna do?” Final pose. “I'm out of here, guys. Thank you.” He enters the party.**

“Next event you should totally do that, B!”

Bruce is so tired. “No, Jason.” Did people really think he was like that? Was he?

“I’ll do it.”

“No, Dick.”

There were multiple yells of, “Yes, Dick.”

**Bruce starts greeting the party guests. “Congresswoman.”**

**“Mr. Wayne, good to see you.”**

**“Senator, looking great.”**

**“Bruce.”**

**A reporter holds up a mic to Bruce. “Bruce, any advice for the new commissioner?”**

**“Long as he knows how to push the button for the Bat-Signal, he'll be fine.”**

Barbara is pissed on her Dad’s behalf. “There’s more to being commissioner than just lighting the Bat-Signal you know. Also, sexist much. What if the new commissioner is a female?” Right on the money.

**“Bruce, I don't know how you did it.” I wonder what they’re referring to.**

**“You can't prove it, you didn't do it.”**

**“Mr. Wayne, so great to see you! Come and join us!”**

**“Mr. Prime Minister. Did you have some work done?” He walks over to the group.**

Everyone imitates pigs. Bruce is scandalized.

**On stage, the children from the orphanage are singing and dancing. The poor child from earlier is there. “No way! Bruce Wayne! He's the greatest orphan of all time.”**

Everyone bursts out laughing. Bruce looks affronted.

Dick snorts. “I don’t know if I’d call him the ‘greatest’.” But he certainly is the most famous.

**The child jumps off stage and runs towards Bruce.**

**Bruce is still greeting people. “Nice to see you, Mr. Ambassador.”**

**“Mr. Wayne!” It’s the child.**

**“You want a picture?” Bruce asks as he is walking along. How nice of him.**

**Fanboy seems happy with that. “That would be swell!” Swell.**

**Bruce pulls out a phone. “Here we go. Party face!” He takes the picture, moving his face in front of the other at the last second. “Boom. Keep it.” And throws the phone at the kid.**

Everyone gapes at Lego Bruce’s behaviour.

**The kid remains unperturbed. “Whoa! Thanks, Mr. Wayne.”**

**“Call me Bruce, champ.” Behaviour is improving a bit.**

**“I'm just so jazzed to meet you, sir.”**

**Bruce’s tone turns questioning. “I'm sorry, did you say "jazzed"?”**

**“Yes! My name's Richard Grayson, but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.” Oh, sweet innocent child.**

Dread. That is what Dick feels. Absolute dread.

Everyone else, including Bruce (because he finally isn’t being made fun of), is sitting in joyful anticipation.

**“Well, children can be cruel.”**

What starts out as snorts, ends up with Jason and Steph on the floor again, wheezing. Dick is left sputtering and slightly flushed.

**“Yeah.”**

**As the two continue walking, people greet the famous ~~orphan~~ billionaire. “Great to see you, Bruce.”**

**“Nice to see you, sir.” He calls over his shoulder.**

**“So, I had a question for you, sir.”**

**“Okay, hit me with it.”**

**“Do you have any advice on how to get adopted?” Bruce isn’t the best person to ask that.**

Several members of the audience gape at that.

**“Oh, yeah.” Press X to doubt.**

**“Oh, you do?” Dick pulls out a piece of paper and pen.**

“Just find yourself a serial adopting billionaire vigilante.” Simple. Easy. Worked for Jason. It also worked for many others. Bruce really needs to go to AA. Adopters Anonymous.

**More random people. “Mr. Wayne, can I get an autograph?”**

**“Sure.”**

**“Um, all right, for example, is teeth whitener a good idea?” Bruce takes Dick’s pen and signs an autograph.**

**Bruce then hands over the autograph and returns the pen. “Yes. There you go, pal.” Which is returned with a ‘Thanks!’**

“Did you just tell a child to use teeth whitener?” Barbara’s question goes unanswered.

**“Really?” Mood.**

**“Oh, yeah.”**

**Bruce then flashes a woman a pearly white smile. “Looking good, Bruce.”**

**“Thank you so much.” The vain Bruce Wayne.**

**Dick continues working through his checklist. “How about eyeliner or a foreign language?”**

**“Try both.” Does he even know what the conversation is about?**

**“Bueno.”**

**The crowd starts to get excited. “Look, it's the new commissioner!”, “Where?”, “Oh, she's with the mayor!”**

**The Mayor presents the new commissioner. “Here she is, everyone!”**

**“Oh, my darling!” Gordon is so proud.**

**The woman greets him. “Hi, Dad.” That woman is Barbara. You can tell by the red hair and the fact that she is the daughter of Jim Gordon.**

**Cue Cutting Crew’s ‘(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight’. Bruce stares at her open mouthed.**

Dick’s finger slips on the pause button as everyone sits in absolute horror and disgust, mouths open aghast.

The stunned silence is broken by Jason yelling, “BRUCE! HOW COULD YOU?!”

Bruce has never been so caught off guard in his life. “What?!”

“HOW COULD YOU?!”

Quickly realizing what Jason is referring to, he tries to defend himself, “THAT ISN’T ME! I WOULD NEVER!”

“I think I’m going to throw up.” Barbara quickly agrees with Jason.

Dick has started crying. “Bruce, why? Why? You know Babs and I are together.”

Never has so much emotion been shown on Bruce’s face. He’s starting to panic. Dick is crying. Jason and Steph are gagging. Everyone else looking at him in disgust. “Please!” He’s resorted to begging. “That isn’t me.” He looks close to crying.

While shocked, Alfred seems to be holding on to ALL the family’s braincells today. “Would everyone please calm down. I will have to reaffirm to you all that the Bruce Wayne in the film, is not our Bruce Wayne, and any events in this film haven’t necessarily happened or will happen.”

That calmed everyone down. Of course, this is when Tim decides to outwardly ponder the ‘event’. “If this movie was made in a universe where we are fictional characters. Does that mean that Bruce was supposed to get with Babs?”

Everyone looks like they regret their existence. Mostly Bruce. And Barbara.

After agreeing to never speak of this again, they continue watching and do their best to ignore the music that’s playing.

_(No one knows, or will hopefully ever know, why the sound system in the store that day was destroyed._

_It was just after a regular burglary attempt, thwarted quickly by Red Hood and Batgirl, when the forbidden song started playing._

_Red Hood unloaded his pistols into every speaker he could find until the music died out. Batgirl covered her ears. The citizens of Gotham decided to ban the song.)_

**Baby Lego Dick interrupts Bruce’s lovestruck gazing. “Mr. Wayne? Should I get experimental surgery to make my eyes larger and more vulnerable looking?”**

**Of course, Bruce isn’t paying any attention. “Uh, do that.”**

You could get whiplash for how fast the mood changes in this room. Suddenly everyone is bursting out in laughter. Jason and Steph are once again on the floor, but this time Barbara and Tim decide to join them.

“I.” Wheeze. “Can’t.” Gasp. “Breathe.” Back to giggling.

All Dick can do, is pout at his girlfriend and sink into his chair red-faced.

**“Uh, Mr. Wayne? Are you currently in the market to adopt a child?”**

**“Yeah.” You should really pay attention to what you are saying ‘yeah’ to.**

“Absolutely not, Father.”

“But Little D, that’s me he’s adopting. You want him to adopt me, don’t you?”

Damian pauses for a moment. “Fine. But no one else.”

**“Really?”**

**“Oh, yeah.”**

**Dick looks so happy. “Wow. Are you looking for more of a base model orphan or one that has more upgraded features?”**

“You’re asking some very strange questions, Dickie-bird.”

Dick imitates Bruce. “That isn’t me, Jay.”

**“Yep.”**

**Dick continues following Bruce and questioning him. “Like cooking or driftwood art? Gymnastic abilities?”**

**“Yep. Yep.”**

**“Close-up street magic à la David Blaine?”**

**“All of it sounds great.” The two come to a stop, overlooking an ice rink.**

**“Really? Because all of it sounds like me. Mr. Wayne, do you think you'd be interested in adopting me as your future orphan son?”**

**“Definitely.”**

“You haven’t accidently adopted any more children have you?”

Worryingly he responds with, “I don’t think so.” (He’s just messing with them.)

**“Oh, this is great! Because all I want is to get adopted, so I can finally stop being alone.” Dick now stands alone, looking down sadly.**

The room quiets down once again.

**The Mayor stands on a podium speaking to the awaiting crowd. “We've gathered here tonight to mark the retirement of Jim Gordon.” Who stands to the side holding the switch to the Bat-Signal and the key to Arkham Asylum.**

**“Goodbye.”**

**“And we wish him well on his South African jungle safari!” The crowd applauds.**

“Dad would probably like that.”

“And how would you like to be commissioner, Babe?” Barbara snorts at Dick’s suggestion.

**“Thank you.”**

**“Now, to introduce you to his exciting new replacement. Everyone, meet your new commissioner!” The Mayor gestures to the screen behind her which starts playing a video.**

**The video is narrated. “Meet Barbara Gordon! The new commissioner of Gotham City!”**

**Multiple clips of Barbara being awesome are shown.**

**“She was top of her class at Harvard for Police. She cleaned up the streets of Gotham's nearby sister city Blüdhaven using STATISTICS, and COMPASSION. And now she's bringing her new ideas and her nunchucks to Gotham City.” Barbara walks onto the stage.**

“Hey Bruce! You ever thought about using statistics and compassion to clean up the streets of Gotham? There seems to be a lot of on-going crime here.” Barbara’s sarcasm isn’t appreciated. At least by Bruce.

Although both Bruce and Tim are thinking about ways to make it possible.

**“Congratulations, darling.” Gordon kisses his daughter on the cheek.**

**“Thanks, Dad.” Barbara is now in possession of the Bat-Signal switch and the Arkham key.**

**Everyone is cheering. “Thank you! Thanks!”**

**The media in the crowd doing their jobs. “Ms. Gordon, over here!”, “Big smile!”**

**At the podium, Barbara awkwardly greets the audience. “Wow. Thank you for the oversized key to Arkham Asylum. And, uh, what's this? Thank you for the switch to the Bat-Signal. Nice.” She clears her throat and starts her speech. “Dad, you've always done a great job protecting Gotham City.”**

**“Flip!” Gordon mimes pushing a button. “That's me.”**

“The absolute disrespect!” Everyone is offended.

**“Thank you. Along with Batman, of course.”**

**Bruce claps from the audience. “Whoo! Let's hear it for Batman!”**

**“Who I wish was here right now.”**

**“Oh, I'm sure he's listening.” How would you know, Bruce?**

Tim is appalled. “Are you trying to be subtle?”

**“I'd like to ask all of you a question. Are you fed up with crime?”**

**Of course, everyone is. “Uh-huh. We're all tired of crime.”, “Yeah, we're sick of it.”**

**“Great. Then let's talk about real improvements that will end the cycle of crime. I've got a four-point pilot program that I'd love to share with you.”**

**“I wanna hear all four points.”**

**Barbara continues like she isn’t being interrupted. “It's called...”**

**“I am ready.” No, you’re not.**

“You’re getting weird. This is weird.” Steph is creeped out.

**“It takes a village...”**

**“Best opening to a title ever.” Maybe.**

**“Not a Batman.”**

Everyone is stunned by this.

**“Waiter.”**

**A waiter arrives with 2 glasses. “Sir?”**

**Bruce gestures to the glasses. “Can I?”**

**“Of course.” Bruce takes a glass.**

**“Thank you.”**

“At least this Master Bruce has some manners.”

**“My pleasure.” The waiter leaves.**

**“Thanks so much.” Bruce chugs the drink, then spits it back out again. “WHAT?”**

**“Look. Batman's been on the job for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very long time.” The screen behind Barbara shows different shots of Batman, progressively moving back in time.**

**“He has aged phenomenally.” Or just not aged at all.**

Tim is curious. “How old are you actually, Bruce? Are you really a vampire? –”

**“However, despite all the great work Batman has done for us, Gotham City is still the most crime-ridden city in the world.”**

**That is so true, and everyone knows it. “She's got a great point.”, “Interesting.”, “Historically speaking, that is accurate.”**

“– And why is there still a lot of crime after all these years? Is Gotham cursed?”

**The screen displays wanted posters of the villains and stamps them with ‘NOT CAPTURED’. “He hasn't captured Riddler. He hasn't captured Bane. Or Catwoman. Or Two-Face, or any of Gotham's other villains!”**

**The audience agrees. “He's not good at his job.”**

Jason also vehemently agrees with that.

**“Including the Joker!” Double posters for him.**

**Lego Bruce looks offended at the people’s comments of, “She's making a lot of sense.”**

**He then clears his throat in an attempt at getting her attention. “Excuse me. I'm so sorry. Excuse me.”**

**She acknowledges his existence. “Yes.”**

**“Hi. Bruce Wayne. Billionaire,” and pulls out a bar of gold to prove it, “bon vivant, gallivanter, playboy, Gotham's most eligible bachelor, like, 90 years in a row. That's me right there.” You can see his face on the magazine he carries with him everywhere.**

“Hey, B! Give me a bar of gold!”

Bruce is so done, he finished 10 years ago. “Jason, Jay-lad, son, I don’t carry gold bars with me.”

“Father. Did you somehow acquire a Lazarus pit, and have been wiping the minds of everyone on this planet for over a century?” Bruce can only stare at his youngest in shock.

**Barbara interrupts tiredly. “I know who you are, Mr. Wayne.”**

**“You bet you do. Quick question, what is your problem with Batman, and also, what the heck, dude?”**

**“I'm glad you asked, Mr. Wayne. I'm not a Batman hater. But we don't need an unsupervised adult man karate-chopping poor people in a Halloween costume. We need to take what's good about Batman…”**

**WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT BATMAN  
\- LOTS OF COOL GADGETS  
\- LOVES PUNCHING  
\- EXCELLENT BROODING**

“Did that just say, ‘excellent brooding’?” Damian’s superior eyesight causes many to cackle.

**“...and marry it to actual laws and proper ethics and accountability.”**

**“I hate everything you just said.”**

“For the record, I do not hate everything that she just said.”

**“Because my dream is for the police force to team up with Batman.” Batman looks weird in a police uniform.**

**“Waiter.” He’s back.**

“Do you have to spit out a drink to make a point?” Dick is just wondering. He’s definitely not going to do this. No way.

**“Wouldn't that be better?” Barbara the angel that she is, diplomatically ignores Bruce’s sputtering and continues speaking, “I know that, together, the world's greatest detective and Gotham's finest could clean up these crime-ridden streets.” Carnival music has started to play, mixed in with giggling. Both Barbara and Bruce are suspicious.**

All attention is on the movie, cautious gazes attempting to determine the threat.

**“…Forever.”**

**Dual yells of, “Everybody, get down!” before a green gaseous explosion.  
**


	5. Sadman

**_“…Forever.”_ **

**_Dual yells of, “Everybody, get down!” before a green gaseous explosion._ **

“How dare he ruin my speech!” Everyone is equally annoyed as Barbara at the Joker, for attacking on her first as commissioner.

**The entrance explodes. People are screaming. The Joker pulls out 2 fake guns. “Grand entrance! Pew, pew, pew!”**

**First day on the job as Commissioner and she is being attacked. Though that is not very surprising considering this is Gotham. “Everyone! Make your way to the exits immediately!” Everyone starts running.**

**The Joker strolls in coolly, giving out orders to the rogues. “Team Bane, block the exits.”**

**The people who were running towards the exit turn back, as ‘Team Bane’ make their appearance. “Going somewhere?”**

**“Clayface, Freeze, bring me the new Commissioner Gordon.”**

**Clayface and Mr. Freeze have their orders. “We're on it.”, “Cool.”**

**“And, Harley, you know what to do.”**

**“I sure do. It's time for Operation ‘Take Out the Laundry.’” She changes into a white coat and glasses and runs off.**

The ‘detectives’ of the group are once again concentrating on figuring out the Joker’s plan. Everyone else has chosen to just enjoy the film.

**Bruce breaks down a door and is now running up multiple flights of stairs. “Butler One, this is Bat One. Do you copy?”**

**“Go ahead, Bat One.” Alfred is sitting in the limo reading.**

**“I need my armoured face disguise, now!”**

**“Only if you say the magic word.”**

**Bruce kicks down the rooftop door. “Now!”**

**“No.”**

**And runs across the roof. “You're fired.”**

Bruce’s face becomes quite pinched at the blatantly rude behaviour of his Lego counterpart. Everyone is horrified at the thought of Alfred being fired.

**“No. Sir, we'll talk about this back at the Batcave.”**

“I will have to rescind my statement of manners.”

**Bruce then jumps off the roof catching his cowl that Alfred launched. “Hey, 'Puter.”**

**“Yes?”**

**“Initialize Masterbuild music.” Bruce changes into Batman in mid-air.**

“If only I was able to change that quick.” I agree Steph. It would definitely save me lots of time.

**“Right away. Collateral damage assessment suggests the Scuttler, sir.”**

**“Good plan.” Batman destroys a lot of property to build the Scuttler.**

No one sees Cas smirk. “Destroy more than Superman.” But they do snicker at that.

**Back on stage, Barbara kicks the podium and uses it as a shield. “Madam Mayor stay close to me. Head for the south exit. Now, ma'am.” She grabs a disk emblem from the podium and throws it at Mr. Freeze, whose aim now hits Clayface, freezing him.**

Dick has now draped himself over the back of his chair to reach Barbara and hold her. “I’m so proud. First day on the job and you’re doing so well.” She pushes him back into his seat.

**“Go! Go! Go!”**

**“Honey, let Batman take care of it.” Gordon waves the switch to the Bat-Signal.**

Barbara is fuming again. “My dad is MORE competent than Batman.” Bruce can’t disagree.

**“Dad, I got this.” And she does. Beating up multiple rogues while protecting the Mayor.**

**Apple Mac start up sound. “Scuttler online.”**

**“Chief O'Hara, we're coming in hot!”**

**“I'm almost there. Woah.” But is now missing most of her vehicle as Batman stole some of it.**

**The Mayor gets in the passenger seat. “Chief, get the mayor to safety.”**

**Batman in the Scuttler is now overlooking the attack. “Computer, I've got the Joker in my sights.”**

**“Team, I got the Joker in my sights.” Barbara changes into her Harvard for Police clothing and slides down the hanging lights, landing in the Joker’s path. “Joker!”**

“Amazing.” Dick sighs.

**Batman jumps in front of Barbara and interrupts her. “Joker.”**

This act receives exclamations from multiple people. “Rude!”

Bruce is horrified. He would never in his life think about doing something like that.

**“Uh, excuse me? I was about to...”**

**“Push the Bat-Signal? Good call. I like your instincts.” He interrupts her again.**

Bruce sinks lower into his chair. His children are once again glaring at him.

**The Joker waltzes on up with the rogues behind him. “I've got a surprise for you guys. And it's gonna make you smile.”**

**“Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace. Everybody get down.” People hide behind overturned objects.**

**“I...” The Joker holds his arms out.**

**Barbara is worried. “Joker, no!”**

**The Joker bends down. “...surrender.” Standing up straight shows off the handcuffs he put on.**

“What?!”

**“What?”**

**Batman exits the Scuttler and lands in front of Barbara. Again. “Uh, what did you just say?”**

“Do you have to always keep landing in front of me and interrupting me?”

“That isn’t me.” Barbara turns green at the reminder.

**He repeats the movement. “I said, ‘I surrender.’”**

**“I'm sorry, my Bat-ears must be malfunctioning because it sounds...”**

**“I surrender!” Having to repeat yourself multiple times would be annoying.**

Now everyone is scrutinizing the scene.

**Batman’s not having any of this. “Okay, you know what? Cool it. You're a criminal.” The Joker walks over to Batman tutting. “You run, and I catch you.” The Joker covers Batman’s mouth.**

Bruce reels back at the casual contact the Joker made.

**“Not anymore, Batman. You were right. There is no ‘us.’ So, there's no point in me trying to fight you anymore. Therefore, I will be surrendering myself to our strong-willed and forward-thinking new commissioner.” The Joker said this while walking over to Barbara and leaning against her. “Blink, blink, blink. Blinkety blink, blink, blink!”**

**Barbara pushes him off her. “That's really suspicious.”**

That is what everyone’s thinking. And who knows. Maybe some people already have figured out his plan.

**Batman agrees. “Yeah, it is. What are you up to, Joker?”**

**“I just wanna go to Arkham and pay for all of my crimes. Blink, blink, blink. Blinkety blink, blink, blink!”**

“Can we replace our Joker with this one. This one doesn’t seem the type to kill me.” Many agree with Jason.

While Bruce can agree that this Joker is less violent, he does seem more annoying, and Bruce already has many children.

**“Are you actually saying ‘blink’?” Yes, he is Batman.**

**“No! Blink, blink, blink.”**

**Barbara’s had enough and pulls out a megaphone. “Joker! That's enough.”**

**“Okay, Babs. I got this.” Batman puts his fist in his hand.**

**“Not so fast, Batman. You can't fight me anymore. I'm off the market.”**

**“What are you talking about?”**

**“I'm off the menu. You won't get to fight any of this anymore.” The Joker runs his hands down his body.**

“Oh gosh, that’s gross.” Steph fake gags.

**“Man am I sorry I asked. Anyway, have fun in jail and...”**

**“Batman, what are you doing?” The Joker asks.**

**“Punching Bane.”**

**“That was unnecessary.” That’s what Bane thinks.**

“Tt. This Batman is clearly superior to our Batman, as he is able to defeat Bane with a single punch. Not forgetting the earlier defeat of all the rogues in the beginning.”

“Damian…” Bruce is really, really, really tired.

Damian continues. “Though he is quite immature and incapable of restraining his villains.”

**“Oh, no, you can't fight Bane anymore either.”**

**“Really?” Batman punches Bane again.**

**“Yeah. Or Riddler. Or Catwoman. Or Condiment King.” Each of these names is dispersed with beatings to the corresponding person.**

**“Why not?”**

**“Because we're all surrendering. Right, guys?”**

**“We are?” They all say very confused.**

**“Yes!” The Joker winds up a jack-in-the-box that folds out and forms a giant present, trapping all the rogues inside.**

“That looks way too easy.” Tim would love to try it though.

**The Riddler knocks from inside the trap. “Riddle me this. What just happened?”**

**The people immediately realize what this means. “It's the end of crime!”, “All right!”, “That was amazing!”, “Over here, over here!”, “You did it!” and crowd the one who saved the day.**

Tim tilts his head at the screen. “Just because the main villains have been arrested, doesn’t mean that crime in general has been eradicated.”

**“Yeah, of course I did. I'm...”**

**The reporters interrupt Batman. “Sorry, not you. We're talking to Commissioner Gordon.”**

**At least Barbara is trying. “Well, it was a team effort.”**

**“I got this, Babs.” Batman isn’t.**

**“Commissioner, how do you feel?”**

**But she can’t resist. “Amazing! This is a great first day.” Capturing all the villains would make an excellent first day.**

The excitement is contagious as this Barbara is just as excited seeing her on-screen counterpart succeed to masterfully.

**All Batman can do is scoff at the lack of attention. “Okay.”**

**“Question for Batman.”**

**“Shoot.”**

**“What are you gonna do with the rest of your life?”**

**Batman is stunned. “What do you mean, the rest of my life?”**

**“We don't need a vigilante crime fighter now that there's no more crime.”**

**“Uh, yes, you do.”**

**“You can spend some quality time with your family.”**

**“My...” He pauses.**

Bruce feels lucky that he has a family now, even if there are times he wished for some peace and quiet.

**“Okay, Batman. We'll take it from here.” Everything but Batman becomes grey scale. ‘One’ by Three Dog Night plays. “All right, listen up. All of you have the right to remain silent. Let's roll out!”**

**All of the rogues say bye to Batman as he stands there, realizing, he no longer has a purpose in life. Which is what you get for making your entire purpose in life to dress up as a bat to beat up criminals.**

Jason the ever-blunt person. “Is this why you haven’t found a way to stop crime? ‘Cos then you wouldn’t have anything to do with your life? And what? Didn’t kill the Joker ‘cos you’re in some sort of love hate relationship with him?”

Bruce grunts. “Of course, I want to stop crime. I just don’t want to have to kill to achieve it. And there is no love between me and him.”

**“Today is a victory for the citizens of Gotham City!” The Mayor announces to Gotham.**

**Everyone is now shooting into the air and burning cars. “No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime! No more crime!” Batman is walking away with his head hung low.**

Dick jumps in his seat, waving his arms. “They are literally chanting ‘No more crime!’ while committing crimes.”

**In the Batcave, Alfred approaches Batman. “Is everything okay, sir? You've barely touched your lobster thermidor.” Multiple uneaten dishes are stacked next to Batman.**

**“I don't have time to eat lobster thermidor right now!” He yells frustratedly, slamming his fists knocking over the dishes.**

Jason chuckles. “Jeez, B. Get a life.” And shovels handfuls of popcorn in his mouth. But only after he’s spoken because he was raised better than to speak with his mouth full. (Alfred scares him. Alfred scares them all.)

**Batman is now crouching on a lamppost outside Arkham Asylum, watching the Joker through binoculars.**

**The Joker is doing yoga with a few of the rogues. “Warrior two. Pigeon-pose. Tree-pose. Tree-pose.”**

**“Hey, Batman!” Barbara is standing in the Asylum’s carpark.**

**“Barbara!” Someone wasn’t paying attention to their surroundings.**

“Tt, Father. You must always pay attention to your surroundings.”

**“What are you doing?”**

**“Nothing. I have a very full life.” Yes. Very.**

More snorts for on-screen Batman.

**“No, I mean, what are you doing here?”**

**Batman tries to be casual while still on the lamppost. “Surveillance. On the Joker.”**

**“Batman, we both know the Joker's up to something.”**

**“Well, then we can't just let him run around loose, in a prison.”**

**“He's not loose.”**

“He’s just in a prison that can be easily broken out of.” Barbara counters herself.

**“He has to go someplace outside the law.”**

**A truck with ‘Phantom’s Own Laundry Services’ reverses in front of Barbara. “Outside the law?”**

**“Yeah.”**

**“Somewhere like, uh...”**

**Someone who is obviously Harley, steps out of a van and speaks very loudly. “Hi, there. I'm here from Phantom's Own Laundry. Here to take that bad stuff off your hands.”**

**“Wait, that's it! The Phantom Zone.”**

“You actually fell for that!” Jason’s on the floor, laughing once more.

**Barbara peeks out from the truck. “The Phantom Zone? No way! That is super illegal and way outside our jurisdiction. So, why don't you and I work together inside the law, to figure out what he's up to?”**

**“Batman works alone. That's my motto. Copyright Batman.” His cape flows majestically behind him.**

Snorts.

**Barbara and Alfred have all the patience in this movie. “Batman, there are no more vigilantes allowed in Gotham City.”**

**“Okay. Totally got it. Then I have to go into double-secret super vigilante mode.” He mutters, bringing his cape in front of him.**

**“You said that out loud.”**

**“I know that she said I said that out loud, but there's no way I did. She has no idea what's going on in my super-mind.”**

What started out as snickers, ends with bellowing laughter that renders half the occupants unable to move from the floor.

_(Bruce will forever regret letting Dick wear the cowl while he’s recovering from an injury._

_Commissioner Gordon once again needed Batman’s aid on an investigation. However, Dick saw this as an excellent opportunity and nothing Bruce could do over the comms will stop him._

_His ‘Batman’ persona was interrupted with snickers, catching the attention of those in the vicinity, before standing regally. “Batman works alone. That’s my motto. Copyright Batman.”_

_When the Batkids started laughing, everyone knew it had to do with whatever caused the previous bouts of laughter._

_Gordon coughs. “Batman, we don’t need you to do much.” And Gordon can see that ‘Batman’ is going to continue quoting._

_“Okay. Totally got it. Then I have to go into double-secret super vigilante mode.” He crouches low muttering with his cape pulled in front of his face._

_“You said that out loud.” Half of the Bats are rolling on the floor. Batman has a huge grin on his face. Gordon regrets speaking. Bruce regrets adopting._

_“I know that he said I said that out loud, but there's no way I did. He has no idea what's going on in my super-mind.”_

_Gordon just sighs and debates on inoculating them all with the Joker Anti-Venom.)_

**Barbara looks at Batman like he is stupid. “Super-mind?”**

**The horror. Batman gasps. “Smoke bomb!” And he grapples away.**


	6. PANTS!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your comments and kudos!

**_Barbara looks at Batman like he is stupid. “Super-mind?”_ **

**_The horror. Batman gasps. “Smoke bomb!” And he grapples away._ **

Everyone is wheezing with laughter. Even Damian, Cass, and Alfred are obviously chuckling.

Barbara manages to utter, “Super-mind?”, before everyone dissolves into laughter once more.

**Batman is now in the Batcave typing at his Batcomputer. “Computer, how do I put the Joker in the Phantom Zone? Quickest route, no freeways.” Nothing happens. “'Puter, do you hear me?”**

**Dun, dun, duuuuun! A chair turns around revealing Alfred. “Hello, Master Bruce.”**

**“Alfred, there's something wrong with the Batcomputer. Watch this. 'Puter. Nothing. 'Puter. Do you see what I'm saying?”**

**“There's nothing wrong with it, sir. I have just taken away your computer privileges.”**

**Dun dun duuuuun! The screen in the Batcave shows an image of Alfred holding the hand of a mini-Batman, with the words ‘PARENTAL LOCK’ underneath.**

**“The parental lock? You can't do that.”**

**“Oh, I can. I've been reading ‘Setting Limits for Your Out-of-Control Child.’” He pulls out a book. It’s the same one he was reading in the limo.**

And everyone was only just calming down from their laughter.

Bruce can only feel dread at Alfred’s next words. “It appears this film has many excellent ideas I should implement.”

Bruce should never have adopted. No sympathy from any of his children whatsoever.

**“You know what? Doesn't matter, 'cause I have a double-secret super password that unlocks the parental lock.”**

**Alfred raises a brow. “You mean, ‘Alfred da Butt-ler’, with two T's?”**

**Batman loudly fake laughs.**

The Batfam’s laughter, however, is genuine.

**Alfred gets off the chair, walking towards Batman. “Sir, it's time for you to stop this unhealthy behavior.”**

**“No, it's not.”**

**“You need to take responsibility for your life.”**

**“Not right now, I don't.”**

Steph rolls her eyes. “You’re an absolute child!”

**“And it starts by raising your son.”**

**Batman stops and squints his eyes. “I'm sorry. I literally have no idea what you're talking about.”**

**“The young orphan you adopted at the gala. Remember?” Alfred points to the screen.**

**The screen is showing the security camera footage from around the manor. “Wow! Stairs. Whee!” Dick slides down the handrail.**

**“He's been living here for the past week.” Alfred’s voice takes a softer tone.**

Jason remarks, “A week? That has got to be boring.” And a week of brooding Batman montage.

**“Hello, table!” Dick slides along the overly large table. “Boom!”**

**“And I must say, I've grown rather fond of the young lad.”**

**Dicks face fills the screen and whispers, “Hello, secret camera.”**

**“You should get to know him.”**

**Dick is now skipping along and singing. “We are family”**

**“You and he have a lot in common.”**

**Dick takes a sword from a suit of armor. “En garde.” Now he stands in front of the family photos. “Hello, family photos.”**

**“He lost his parents at a very young age.”**

The expression on Dick’s face becomes somber at the reminder.

**Dick is still staring at the photos. “I've always wanted one of those.”**

**Alfred is now walking behind Batman. “Doesn't he deserve a chance for someone to take him under their wing, as I took you under mine?”**

**The touching moment is ruined when Batman opens his mouth. “Alfred, you've been watching way too many Lifetime movies and drinking chardonnay.”**

**The disappointment is highly evident. “It's Pinot grigio, sir.”**

Real life Bruce also receives many looks of disappointment.

**“Whatever it is. Listen, you don't have a family. You're satisfied serving me. So, what do you know about having a surrogate son? Now, I'm gonna go fight crime while you put that kid on the next jet to the orphanage. Got it?”**

Bruce looks frantic, any denial and reassurance he was going to make was immediately cut off by offended yells.

“BRUCE!” Dick and Barbara reprimand at the same time.

“HOW DARE YOU!” This is said by Jason, Steph, and Tim.

Damian also has something to say. “Father, you are a disgrace!” To which Cass nods in agreement.

“I would NEVER say that.” Bruce looks like he is going to cry. Probably because he has never experienced so many emotions in one evening, and the movie has just started.

All hail the calm voice of reason! “Settle down, everyone.” Once everyone has quieted down, Alfred turns to his surrogate son. “I know you would never say that Master Bruce.”

**All Alfred can do is sigh. “As you wish, sir.” He starts dusting the console before ‘accidentally’ pressing a button. “Whoops-a-daisy.”**

**Right in front of Dick, the extremely large fireplace revolves, revealing a fireman’s pole.**

**“Wait, what are you doing?”**

**“Dusting.” Can’t you see the duster, Batman?**

**“You can't let him into the Batcave!”**

**“I'm not. I'm letting him into your life, via the Batcave.” Sneaky.**

“Point to Alfred.” Alfred gets all the points, Dick.

**Dick whoops as he slides down the pole. The giant doors to the Batcave open, revealing all its secrets. “What?” Dick can only gasp at the gloriousness. “It's the Batcave!” Different vehicles appear on either side of the walkway. “Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.” Dick is walking backwards, wailing in amazement before stumbling into Batman. “Batman! Whoa!”**

Halfway through Lego Dick’s fanboying, Jason bursts out laughing. At the point of wailing, more people join in the laughter. Dick sinks low in embarrassment.

**“You're darn right, ‘Whoa.’”**

**“Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?”**

**“No. Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic.”**

Jason points out the important facts here. “You have some serious problems, B.” That’s some real separation of identities there.

**Dick cannot read Batman’s mood. “We can have sleepovers every night!”**

**“No, we can't.”**

**Suddenly Dick is off again. “Wow! Look, it's the Bat-Sub!”**

**Jumping out of nowhere. “Wait, don't touch that!”**

**“Over there, it's the Bat-Space shuttle.”**

**“Please, keep your hands off that.”**

**“Look, it's the Bat-Zeppelin!”**

“Hey Bruce.”

**“Don't touch that either!”**

**“It's the Bat-Train!”**

Bruce sighs. “Yes, Tim.”

**“No!”**

**“It's the Bat-Kayak.”**

“You have a problem.”

**“No!”**

**“It's the Bat-Dune buggy.”**

“Dick was the one to name everything, not me.”

**“No!”**

**“It's the Bat shark repellent?”**

“That’s not the problem.”

**Batman pauses. “Uh, actually, you can touch that. It's completely useless.”**

Bewildered expressions filled the crowd. Why would anyone need shark repellent?

**“Whoa! Thanks, Batman!”**

**“Please, stand over there. And don't touch, look at, or do anything for the remaining moments you have in my presence.”**

**“Okay, cool.”**

**“Computer.”**

**“Go ahead.” Someone’s finally online.**

**“How do I put the Joker in the Phantom Zone?”**

**“Joker can only be put in the Phantom Zone using the Phantom Zone Projector. Current location, Superman's Fortress of Solitude inside the Atomic Cauldron. However, only a person that isn't shredded, ripped, or extremely swoll can enter the cauldron.” Imagery of Batman being unable to fit through a small gap is shown.**

**“Ugh, I'm way too buff.”**

There is no holding back with the snickers. Bruce’s face is so emotionally pinched, he looks constipated.

**“You also have beautiful abs, sir.”**

**“That's my cross to bear.”**

Bruce was prepared for laughter, but not at this volume. To add to his misery, Dick paused the movie and gave the remote to Damian for safe keeping while everyone ~~laughed~~ calmed down.

_(Bruce should have taken his vacation days instead of joining this infiltration mission. All they had to do was sneak into the building and retrieve some files, with the possibility of fighting later._

_At the sight of the building plans, Batman immediately wanted to leave. However, doing so at this time would certainly get him spotted and ruin the mission._

_Plan B. Prevent the others from seeing the plans and be the one to assign roles._

_Too bad this is Red Robin’s mission, and everyone already has a copy of the plans._

_“Someone is going to have to climb through the vents to get to the office.” Red Robin’s serious tone turns to one of humor. “However, only a person that isn’t shredded, ripped, or extremely swoll can fit.”_

_While Batman is attempting to melt into the shadows, he can at least appreciate the professionalism of his team (pure sarcasm), who are only barely managing to keep their laughter at bay else they are found._

_“Ugh, I’m way too buff.” Jason exaggerates Batman’s gravelly voice._

_Nightwing takes on the role of the computer but can only manage a whisper. “You also have beautiful abs, sir.”_

_“That’s my cross to bear.”_

_The fight after is so quick, no one evens knows what took them down, because it obviously wasn’t the younger vigilantes, collapsed with laughter.)_

**“Additionally, once inside the cauldron, multiple Kryptonian defense systems engage, including the Acid Moat, Ring of Napalm, and the Jaws of Death. Chance of total mission failure is 110%.” After each defense system is mentioned, the image of Batman becomes more Bat-skeleton than man.**

**“Those are not great odds. Wait a minute. Hey, kid.” Oh, no.**

“Master Bruce…”

Everyone has a bad feeling about this.

**“Yes, Sir?”**

**“You're super nimble, right?”**

“Please, no.” Barbara pleas are but a whisper.

**“I sure am!”**

**“And small?”**

Tim is not awake enough for this. “No, no, no, no, no.”

**Dick shrinks down. “Very.”**

**“And quiet?”**

“Jesus.” Jason needs a drink.

**“When I desire to be.” He whispers.**

**“And 110% expendable?”**

“DUDE, NO!” The yell is followed by a slap to the back of the head.

“Stephanie!”

**“I don't know what that means, but okay.”**

**Batman now walks onto a platform. “Great. Follow me. We are gonna steal the Phantom Zone Projector from Superman.”**

**“Steal?” Dick follows, stumbling as the platform moves.**

**“Yeah. We have to right a wrong. And, sometimes, in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right. Gandhi said that.”**

“What?” Tim is confusion and so am I.

**“Are we sure Gandhi said that?”**

**“I'm paraphrasing.”**

**“Cool!”**

“Not cool. Absolutely terrible.” Dick cannot believe how naïve and gullible his Lego counterpart is.

**“Preparing Fortress of Solitude infiltration gear.” Announces Bat-Siri. Various weapons are lowered so Batman can grab them.**

“Of course, you prepared specific gear for infiltrating the Fortress of Solitude.” He’s prepared for everything, Babs.

**“Wow! Look at all these! Do I get a costume for the mission, too?”**

**Batman is somehow fitting MANY different weapons on his person. “I got a feeling that you'll just look like a kid on Halloween. Don't you think? Don't touch that.”**

**Dick presses the giant red button. Various costumes are now on display.**

**“Whoo-hoo!”**

**The computer announces the names of each of the costumes. “El Mariachi.”**

**“I like that one!”**

**“That one is culturally insensitive.”**

“Tt. Why have it then?”

**“Night Terror.”**

**“That one!”**

**“No way.”**

**Dick is now wielding multiple weapons. “This one?” And proceeds to fall over.**

**“Death Merchant.” Not child friendly.**

“Hey, Bruce?”

**“No.”**

**“I'm okay. This one.” Flames everywhere.**

**“Fire Starter.”**

“Yes, Tim.”

**“Nope.”**

**“This one.” Wolverine style.**

**“Clawed Reigns.”**

“I think you have a serious problem.”

**“Nope.”**

**“Excali-Bat.” Dick falls over trying to hold the giant sword.**

If Bruce’s lips hardened any further, they would become marble.

**“Nope.”**

**“How’s this?” He is wearing a gas mask, holding canisters, and surrounding by green gas clouds.**

**“Silent but Deadly.”**

**“Nope.”**

**“Bat-ryshnikov.” This one has massive wings.**

“I’m questioning everything right now.” Watching your boyfriend dance in a wing suit would make you question your entire existence, especially considering he is a child in this film, while your character is an adult being romantically pursued by his father.

**Dick is prancing around on tiptoes. “How do we feel about this one?” He is now lying on the ground, bat wings fluttering behind him.**

There are a few snickers floating around.

**“Dress-up parties are for grown-ups only.”**

**Dick spots something. “Wait. What's that one there?” Its red, yellow, and green.**

**“That one was for the assignment called The Jamaican Caper. The locals called me Reggae Man.”**

**Dick jumps into the outfit. “I love it! Ah! Feels like I was poured into this. My only trouble is, these pants are just a little tight. I don't know if I could throw a kick or jump in them. I got an idea.”**

Dick has suddenly disappeared. Everyone is grinning in anticipation.

**Dick rips of the pants and throws them in Batman’s face. “Rip! That's better! Now I'm free, now I'm moving. Come on, Batman. Let's get grooving!” All while dancing.**

The laughter in the room could probably be heard all the way in Gotham, if not for the excellent soundproofing. People are crying, clutching their stomachs in pain. Bruce is enjoying this small freedom. Dick is still nowhere to be seen.

At GCPD, Commissioner Gordon has the sudden urge to grab the Joker Anti-venom.

**Batman is looking anywhere else. “I can only look you in the eyes right now.”**


	7. Child Endangerment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter did not want to be written. Uni starts next week and I had plans on prewriting the entire fic but my only skill appears to be procrastination. So if there are any delays in updates, that's my excuse.
> 
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos!
> 
> Enjoy!

**_Batman is looking anywhere else. “I can only look you in the eyes right now.”_ **

The drastic decrease in volume was not due to the sudden lack of laughter, rather the evolution of laughter into silent, painful, red-faced gasps. The movie is paused for some time while everyone calms themselves down.

**The costume rack rotates to show ‘Kick Butler’. Alfred dismounts from the stand. “Sir, what are you doing?”**

**“What do you mean?”**

**“Why is Master Dick dressed like that?” Alfred points his feather duster at Dick.**

**Batman gets defensive. “How dare you tell me how to parent my kid I just met? To the Batmobile!” He runs off.**

There are many sputters of amusement at Batman’s immaturity. Alfred just shakes his head at the behavior.

**“Hot-diggity-dog!” Dick follows.**

**Batman and Dick are standing on a platform raised to the level of a vehicle. “Vehicle rotisserie engaged. Retrieving the Speedwagon. Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.” Batman hops inside, setting everything up.**

Jason jumps in his seat. “Why can’t we have that setup? It’s so cool!”

**Seems like it’s all done. “Hey, kid. Let's go.”**

**“Oh, shoot!” Dick swings his foot.**

**Batman is clueless. “What?”**

“You were so excited to go?” Barbara turns to Dick like he is suddenly made from Lego.

**“I probably shouldn't leave until I get the thumbs up from my new old man, Bruce Wayne.” Dick sounds really disappointed.**

“Can he seriously not piece together that Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same person?” Tim managed to do it with years of stalking.

**Think of an excuse. “Uh, yeah. Here's the thing.” Batman powers down the Speedwagon. “Bruno and I decided to share custody of you. So, I get a say and you're mission approved.”**

Dick snorts. “You call yourself Bruno? And sharing custody!” Other people chuckle at the impromptu excuse.

**Dick spins. “No way! Is this really happening?”**

**“Yeah.” What’s the excitement for?**

**“Whoo-hoo!” Dick leaps into the Speedwagon, forcing Batman to move over and make room. “A month ago, I had no dads. Then I had one dad. Now I have two dads! And one of them is Batman!”**

Most of the room is laughing. Steph takes the opportunity to increase the volume. “Hey Bruce! Batman told me that I could drive the Batmobile, as well as convert one of the Manor’s rooms into a spa.”

“No, he – no I didn’t!” Someone is having an identity crisis.

**“Yeah.”**

**Dick is singing with joy. “It's raining dads!”**

“Hallelujah!” Who knew Cass listened to The Weather Girls?

**Batman powers up the Speedwagon again. “So, are you ready to follow Batman and maybe learn a few life lessons along the way?”**

**“I sure am, Dad Two! But first, where's the seatbelt?” Safety first.**

“Yeah, Dad Two! Where’s the seatbelt?”

Bruce can only groan in response to Tim.

**“The first lesson is, life doesn't give you seatbelts! Let's go!” The Speedwagon takes off.**

Alfred pinches the bridge of his nose. “This cannot end well, Master Bruce.”

**They are now driving around the city at high speed. “Whoo-hoo! Yes! Faster, Dad! Faster! Whoo!”**

**“Yeah!” They’re bonding.**

**Dick is cheering with unbridled delight. “Whoo!”**

**“Yeah!” Bat-Yeah!**

The audience is hyped too.

**“Yes, yes, yes!” But wait! Is that an old lady crossing the road?**

**Batman’s face turns to one of horror and he slams on the breaks. Dick goes flying forwards, smacking into the windshield.**

Everyone recoils and winces at that. Many are shocked into speechlessness.

**“Oh! Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry.” Batman picks Dick up. “Get back up in that seat. There you go. Hey, listen. As soon as I get back to the Batcave, I'll make sure that Alfred puts seatbelts on there, okay?” He then reaches his arm across Dick. “But for the time being, I'm just gonna put my arm right here. And we're just gonna gently ease out of here. And here we go.” The Speedwagon transforms and flies away.**

Damian asks the question that I had been wondering about as well. “Tt. Why did you not fly to begin with?”

**Batman and Dick have arrived at the Fortress of Solitude. “Okay. Like all superheroes, Superman has zero friends, and he spends most of his time basking in sweet, sweet isolation, here at his alone palace. So, I'll keep him busy while you sneak into that vent and get the Projector. Got it?”**

Lego Batman’s words cause everyone to burst out laughing again.

Jason manages to utter, “Not everyone is you. Some people actually have friends.”

“Well, it is called the Fortress of SOLITUDE.” Tim points out.

“Supes is like the least solitary person around.” Jason counters.

**“Copy that! Oh, here's an idea. I could also...” Batman covers Dick’s mouth.**

“Rude!” Yes! Defend your Lego counterpart.

**“Whoa, whoa. Don't even finish that thought. See this counter?” Batman pulls out a device, showing it’s a ‘Good Idea Tracker’. Under ‘Batman’ is 5,678,483. Under ‘Everyone Else’ is 0. “These are all the good ideas Batman has. And no one else has ever had any good ideas. So don't even try.”**

Everyone makes their offence known. Luckily though for Bruce, their anger is directed more to the screen than to himself.

**Batman puts the device away. “Your superpower...” Dick gasps, and his eyes become even larger.” ...is excellent listening and execution of my ideas. Let's try it out.”**

All the children purse their lips, glaring at Lego Batman.

**“Cool!”**

And look at Lego Dick in disgust at the positivity to Batman’s insults.

**“Drop to the ground. Do a backflip. Do a front flip. Triple Axel. Plié. Relevé. Jeté.” Dick manages to execute all of them. “Pythagorean theorem.”**

**“A squared plus B squared equals C squared.”**

**“Physicalize it!” Batman sounds like a very intense trainer.**

Bruce looks concerned. “How?”

**Dick struggles with contorting his body. “A squared plus B squared equals C squared. How’d I do, Dad?”**

**“Mediocre.”**

Half the occupants of the theatre are struggling to control their anger. The other half are just used to disappointment and sigh.

**“Yes!” I guess ‘mediocre’ is pretty good in Batman terms.**

Jason explodes, waving his arms. “Why is he cheering?!”

**“And don't call me ‘Dad.’ Now, begin mission.”**

**Dick starts climbing the icicles to the side of the giant door. “Yes, Papa.”**

**“’Papa’ falls into the ‘Dad’ category.”**

Bruce clears his throat and tries his best to remain casual. “If would like to call me ‘Dad’ or ‘Papa’, you can.” Though he is unable to hide his desperation from his children.

Jason scoffs. “When I first called you ‘Dad’, you ran away and locked yourself in your room and cried for hours.”

Dick chimes in. “He tripped down the staircase when I did.”

**Once Dick has disappeared out the top of the screen, Batman walks over to the door and rings the bell. The door opens. “‘Sup, Supes?” Behind Superman appears to be colorful lights and party music.**

**Someone sounds nervous. “Wow. It's Batman. And he's at my house. Right now. What are you doing here?”**

**“Don't worry about it, dawg. I'm not here to throw down or anything.”**

**“Uh, no, I would crush you.”**

Everyone nods in agreement. Bruce doesn’t agree but keeps that to himself.

**Batman finds that to be funny and makes his way inside. “Okay. Sure, sure, sure. Hey, listen. Thank me later, but I just happened to be in the hood. And I figured that you could probably use the...” Batman finally sees the party. And the party sees him. Everyone freezes. “...company.”**

No one bothers to hide their winces. Though Jason makes his observations known. “Awkward.”

**The Flash awkwardly coughs. Batman’s gaze sweeps the room. “Wait a minute. Are you... Are you having the ‘57th Annual Justice League Anniversary Party’ without me?”**

Everyone looks on sadly.

**Superman shakes his head behind Batman, mouthing ‘No’.**

**Everyone gets the hint. “No! No! No!”**

**Superman starts explaining. “No! There must have been some mistake with the email. That's crazy, man.” Everyone is quick to agree.**

**“Totally! Yes, email mistakes happen all the time. Sometimes I don't get Superman's emails for years.”**

**“Great point, G.L. Great point. All right. Well, that clears up everything, right? Enjoy the party, bro. Hit it, DJ Wonder Dog.” The music starts up again.**

“Well at least they didn’t kick you out.” Steph’s assurances lack their usual enthusiasm.

**Batman is walking along when The Flash starts running around him. “Hey, Batman. Do you wanna take a quick pic?”**

**There’s a glimmer of hope in Batman. “Sure. Where do you want me?”**

**“Right there is perfect. Here's the camera.” The Flash passes Batman a phone.**

**And the glimmer is gone. “Oh.”**

The crushing weight of loneliness suffocates those present.

**“Okay, party people, get together.”**

**Batman holds up the phone. “Yeah. Everybody say...”**

**Everyone yells, “Super Friends!” The camera goes off.**

**The Flash runs over and grabs the phone. “Let me see it! Let me see! Classic! We got everyone.”**

**“Yeah, everyone.” Extremely sad.**

Dick, now crying, clings to Bruce. “We can have our own parties. Just for you. And you won’t have to feel alone ever again.”

Bruce pats Dick on the back and holds him closer. “There’s no need for that.”

**The Flash has left Batman alone again. “Thanks, Batman.”**

**“Yeah, no problem. I did, like, a burst.” He’s talking to no one now.**

**“This party is the bomb!” Everyone else is enjoying the party.**

**“Look at me! More like Martian Dance Hunter, am I right?” Everyone laughs.**

**Batman’s had enough. “'Puter, call kid.”**

**“Bat-Dad?” Dick is standing on a ledge.**

**“How's it going? 'Cause everything is going great down here.” How does no one else notice what Batman is doing?**

Dick sobs again.

**“I can see the target. But there's some kind of laser energy thing that I can't get through.” A giant glowing red force field.**

**“Okay. I'll see if I can shut it off. But I'm gonna have to make up an excuse to leave this party without anyone noticing.” Batman looks around, no one is paying him any attention. “Bye.” He fires off a grappling hook and zips away.**

And hugs Bruce even tighter.

**Batman runs up to a cluster of crystals. “Kid, tell me when it's off, all right? Now?” He pulls one out, throwing it over his shoulder causing it to break.**

The sad atmosphere turns to one of shock. “No! Don’t break the crystals.” Bruce’s horror matches Tim’s words.

**“No.”**

**“Now?” He destroys another.**

The looks from the audience become more pained and frightened.

**“No.”**

**“Now?”**

No one would dare incur the wrath of Superman by destroying them.

**“Not quite.”**

**“Now?”**

**“No.”**

**“My son...” A hologram appears.**

“Oh. My. God.” Dick has stopped hugging Bruce and is currently staring wide-eyed towards the screen.

**“No.”**

**“These irreplaceable crystals contain all my knowledge, which I now pass on to...” The hologram disappears as Batman destroys more crystals.**

Sharp inhales and gasps accompany more winces.

**“Darn it. It's gotta be one of these. Is this the one?”**

**“O.M. gosh! You did it, Padre! It's off!”**

**Batman pulls out a device that lets him see what is going on. “Okay. Now you gotta make your way to the Atomic Cauldron and get that Phantom Zone Projector. Do exactly as I say.”**

**“10-4!” Dick salutes.**

**“Okay. Jump! Do a front flip. Do a backflip. Run, run, run. Drop. That's excellent listening. Shimmy. Strafe-left. Strafe-right. Avoid.” Dick is doing all of this while being chased by a flying spike ball.**

**Dick decides that talking during imminent death is perfectly fine. “Hey, I was thinking. If I'm gonna be a superhero, and go on awesome superhero missions like this one, can we use code names? Mine can be Robin.”**

**“I'm sorry, say that again?”**

**“Robin!”**

**“As in the small, Midwestern frail bird?”**

**The newly dubbed Robin replies, “Yeah, and I already have a catch phrase. Tweet, tweet, on the street.”**

Everyone bursts out laughing. You would get serious whiplash from the mood changes.

**“Hard pass.”**

**“And a song. ~Fly, Robin, fly~”**

Dick cringes. The more the laughter increased, the further Dick sunk into his chair.

_(Someone had been kidnapping children from the streets. The reason still unclear, but the kidnappers have been restrained. Now the Batfam just have to wait for the police and supervise the children in the meantime._

_Spoiler, in an attempt to comfort a child, suddenly remembers a scene from The Movie. “Can you keep a secret?” She stage-whispers._

_The sniffling child nods, interest piqued._

_“Nightwing was the first Robin.”_

_“Really?” A few more children have moved closer to ‘eavesdrop’._

_“Yeah! And he actually had a catch phrase, but he didn’t get to say it very often.”_

_The current Robin has picked up on Spoiler’s train of thought. “Correct. The catch phrase was ‘Tweet, tweet, on the street’.” Underneath Robin’s mask of seriousness is giddiness._

_Red Hood would have said something if not for his sudden inability to speak, and Nightwing’s embarrassed pleading._

_Red Robin, however, is free to add to Robin’s statement. “He even had a song. ~Fly, Robin, Fly~”_

_Batman had to turn around to prevent everyone from seeing his giddy joy in finally not being made fun of. He quickly collected himself and crouched in front of the crowd. Addressing the children, “He never got the chance to use them, and got quite sad because of it. But I do know how you can make him happier.”_

_The kids nod eagerly, “Tell us please!”_

_Batman ‘whispers’, “Go up to him and say ‘Tweet, tweet, on the street’ and he will respond with ‘Tweet, tweet’.” Once the children collectively turn to Nightwing, Batman no longer has to hide his grin._

_Nightwing could only feel dread and complete utter embarrassment. However, he managed to maintain a casual expression, but only for the children’s sake._

_Numerous calls of ‘Tweet, tweet, on the street’ come rushing towards him. Forcing a ‘Tweet, tweet’ from his gritted teeth. At least he has had plenty of experience faking happiness._

_No one was getting hugs from him for a week!)_

**“Harder pass. Now slide!” Robin whoops in reply.**

**“Okay, kid. I'm gonna teach you how to masterbuild your way inside that thing.”**

**“Yay!”**

**“Grab those 2x6's, pull out the axle studs, disconnect the 6x10 plates.”**

**“Like this?” Robin holds up a hoverboard.**

**“Whoa! Unbelievable obeying. Now, let's ride. Toes to the nose. Now you're gleaming the cube.”**

**Robin rides the hoverboard around like a pro. “Yeah!”**

**“Now, get creative. Freestyle a little bit. Oh, that's good, kid! It's like looking in a Bat-mirror. Okay. Leap.” Robin follows the order and leaps, landing next to the projector before grabbing it.**

**“I've got the Projector, Dad.”**

**Batman cheers. “Booyah! Now do everything we just did backwards.”**

**“Oh.” The excitement disappears from Robin’s face.**

Everyone’s mouths are wide open in disbelief at the impossible instructions given.

**Batman is outside the door again. Robin falls face first in front of him, his cape on fire. “Oh! Here you go, Dad. We did it!”**

**“Yeah! Mission accomplished. That was fun!”**

**“You okay, Batman? You seem the opposite of stern.”**

This causes Bruce to reflect on his behavior. If in a fictional movie his ‘sternness’ was his main personality trait, as well as loneliness, he should really learn from his Lego counterpart and be better.

**“Yeah, I'm fine. It's just watching you out there, it was like the world wasn't all darkness anymore. For a brief moment I could have sworn I felt something.”**

**“That feeling is pride, sir.” How emotional constipated does someone have to be, to have a computer identify their feelings for them.**

**“You're right. I am super proud.” Robin who is standing in front of him gasps. “Of myself. For being such a good teacher, obviously.”**

“Dude! Can you just give someone a little praise?” Jason is not afraid to hold back.

**Robin, now sadden, responds, “Yeah, you're a great teacher.”**

**“I am?” Batman is unsure.**

**“Yeah! I wanna be just like you when I grow up, Padre!” Robin can’t stay upset for long.**

“But then you grow up and realize that being Batman isn’t that great.” Everyone agrees with Dick, even Bruce. Damian still wants to be Batman though.

**“Wait, what did you call me?”**

**Hesitantly he answers, “I called you Padre. It's Spanish for ‘Dad.’ Sorry.”**

**“Well, isn't it also a cool Spanish way to say ‘buddy’?” An amazing excuse to still be called ‘Dad’.**

**“Yeah, I could've been saying it that way.”**

**Just admit you want to be called Dad. “Then I'll allow it.”**

Barbara can only groan. “Just admit your feelings.”

**“Oh, you're such a great padre!” Robin rushes towards Batman.**

**“What are you doing?” Batman holds his face back with his hand.**

**“I'm trying to give you a big old hug.”**

**“I thought you were attacking me.”**

“Tt. It’s a common misconception.” And no one can escape Dick’s ‘attacks’.

**The converted Speedwagon takes off. The seating has changed, with Batman in the front in a single seater and Robin behind him. “Hey, you up for another top-secret superhero mission to defeat the Joker?”**

**Robin peaks out from behind the seat. “Oh, I am down to stop that clown. But I don't wanna make my other dad, Bruce Wayne, angry. Do you think we'll be done before my bedtime?” His tone is quiet.**

**Batman is outraged. “Bedtime? Batman's life lesson number two. Vigilantes don't have bedtimes.”**

Alfred corrects the statement. “That would be incorrect. Sleep is important for functioning.” The side-eye towards Tim could not be hidden by anything.

**“Yes!” Robin slyly asks, “So, what's the vigilante policy on cookies?”**

Who wouldn’t be curious as to the answer? Definitely not the spectators.

**“Unlimited!” Batman pulls out 2 cookies.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk if anyone noticed but I replied to the comments in the previous chapter. Explanation: I was actually nervous to even post a fic in fear of judgement and disappointment, but I did it! And I was going to reply to comments but my fear of judgement/disappointment made an appearance and then it would have been too weird to comment back after so long. But then someone asked me a question so I had to reply, but if I replied to one then I had to reply to all. Then I debated on replying to all past comments but that would also be weird. So from now on, if I have time, I'll be replying to comments.


	8. Bad Decisions Are Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent the entire week playing House Flipper and forgot about writing, and I almost missed a lecture today because I thought it was tomorrow.
> 
> Enjoy!

**_“Yes!” Robin slyly asks, “So, what's the vigilante policy on cookies?”_ **

_Who wouldn’t be curious as to the answer? Definitely not the spectators._

**_“Unlimited!” Batman pulls out 2 cookies._ **

Everyone’s cheers were promptly cut short by Alfred informing them, “That is quite untrue. Everything must be enjoyed in moderation.” Like that will stop anyone from sneaking cookies into their diet. (At least not in front of Alfred. But he knows. Alfred knows everything.)

**ARKHAM ASYLUM.**

**The Bat-vehicle can be seen sneaking around the building and hiding behind a tree before landing.**

The behavior of the vehicle causes many huffs of amusement.

**The two hop out. “All right, kid. We need to avoid Commissioner Gordon. So, lesson number three. When going stealth, you gotta hide every part of you, physically and emotionally. Got it?” Batman expertly hides behind a bin before turning into a Bat-tree.**

**“Yeah!” Robin yells loudly while attempting to hide behind the bin.**

The few more exuberant members break out into laughter.

**“Already failed. Now, what I need you to do is use the naturally dark areas of your costume and integrate into the dark parts of this environment.” Batman had at one point hidden behind Robin as he was walking.**

“Tt. There are no naturally dark areas of that costume whatsoever.” Damian is very glad he doesn’t have to wear that outfit.

**Robin hides behind a pole. “Okay. Can you see me?” His bright yellow, sparkling cape reflects the light, making everything look disco.**

**“Yes.”**

Another one joins the laughter.

**“How about now?” Robin is lying on the stairs hiding his face. The cape even more visible.**

**Batman is sneaking up the stairs. “Yes.”**

There aren’t many people left who are not laughing at this point.

**Robin now hides behind his cape at the top of the stairs. “What about now? Now?” He is crouched now. The reflective sparkles have never been more obvious.**

**“Yes. Yes. You're a goner, kid.” However, he isn’t watching where he’s going.**

Everyone but Dick is laughing, as he is too embarrassed by his counterpart to enjoy the hilarious scene. Even Bruce is amusedly chuckling while observing his own counterpart’s skills.

**Suddenly Barbara is in front of him. “Batman?”**

**“Barbara!” The forbidden song starts playing. A pink background with hearts surrounds her.**

The merriment was immediately cut short. Horrified and disgusted looks replace the glee.

**“Batman? Batman!” She manages to get his attention.**

And they are so glad that is over.

**Batman tries to be casual. “Hey, there. Look at you.”**

**“Who's this?” Barbara has spotted Robin.**

**Robin waves at her. “Hi, police lady.”**

“Look how cute and sparkly you are.” Barbara just wants to pinch his cheeks.

**“Is that your son?” She seems amused.**

**“Yes, I am.” He skips over and eats a cookie.**

**“Is that my son? No, that's just weird.”**

**“It's weirder if it's not your son.” Barbara’s right, and a little concerned.**

“Definitely.” Steph adds.

**Batman stammers, “Right. No, I don't... I'm not in a relationship or anything. I could have a kid. I mean, if I met the right lady, and if she was just standing right in front of me, and we looked at each other and thought, ‘Hey, let's do this.’, ‘Let's be together.’” One word: Awkward.**

No one bothers to hide their cringes. Bruce’s eye is twitching. Barbara looks a bit green.

**“Batman?”**

**“Yes?” He looks very hopeful.**

**“I hope you're back because you've decided to work together on the Joker case.” Emphasis on ‘together’.**

“Thank you, Lego Barbara for putting a stop to Batman’s pining.” Jason can’t handle any more of this.

**“Uh... Yeah. Absolutely!” With very fake enthusiasm.**

As the viewers, they know exactly how fake the agreement is and what his intentions are.

**“Great.”**

**The three of them enter the asylum, with Robin in the lead. “Ooh. Arkham Asylum.”**

**Barbara walks behind Batman while speaking. “So, before we question the Joker...”**

**“Uh-huh.”**

**“...I'm gonna need you to hand over all your weapons.”**

**“I mean, I don't know if I have anything...” One of the guards waves a metal detector over Batman, causing it to beep. “Oh! I just got a couple here. There.” He pulls out his kryptonite twin blades, a mace, and a sword.**

“That’s not possible. Yet, it’s not everything.” Tim can only sigh at the lack of logic hurting his sleep-deprived brain.

**“Is that it?” Barbara questions him, knowing that he definitely has more weapons.**

**“Yeah.” The scanner beeps again. “Oh. Of course.” He pulls out a saw, multiple Batarangs, and Bat-merchandise.**

“Even more.”

**Barbara continues with the questioning while the guard continues scanning. “What about the utility belt? Anything in your cape?” He removes his utility belt causing a duck floatie to pop out before being removed. “Under your cowl? And your shoes.” More objects are removed including: a dolphin wearing a hat, a wig attached to a cowl, a tennis racket, an electric guitar, and a lightbulb.**

Tim throws his arms up in frustration. Jason goes and pats him on the back. “It’s just a cartoon.”

“And it’s completely ridiculous to even need all of that stuff. Like seriously? A dolphin?” Steph is laughing.

**Batman also removes his pants showing him wearing bat themed underwear. “There we go.”**

**“Uh... This is really uncomfortable.” The security guard has also backed off.**

**“Sorry. My shoes are part of my pants.”**

“So, it’s alright for Batman to not wear any pants but Robin can’t?” Dick is questioning Lego Batman’s logic.

**Lights start flashing. “Oops.” Robin can be seen in the x-ray tunnel with the Phantom Zone Projector under his cape.**

**“Batman?”**

**He quickly turns to Barbara. “Yes?”**

**“Why is your ‘not son’ trying to smuggle the Phantom Zone Projector into Arkham?”**

**Batman acts surprised. “What? Hey, kid. What is this?” And tries to act like he had no idea about it.**

**Barbara has had enough of Batman. “Batman, give me the Phantom Zone Projector.”**

**“No.”**

**“Batman! Give me the Phantom Zone Projector! Give it to me!”**

Alfred shakes his head. “How childish.” He is in some ways glad that his Bruce isn’t like that.

**“No, no, no! Whoa! Nice.” Barbara had snatched it right from his hands.**

**“I studied Brazilian jiu-jitsu at Harvard for Police.”**

“Go, Babs!” Barbara high-fives Cass at the cheer.

**“Oh, yeah? Well, guess who got a PhD in smoke bombs!” He throws one down causing everyone to cough before making off with the projector. “Dr. Batman.”**

Everyone grins at that.

**Batman blocks the x-ray tunnel entrance. Barbara yells orders, “Guards! Get them!”**

**“Freeze, Batman!” The guards arrive from the other exit.**

**Batman pauses and instructs Robin. “Hey, kid. This is a training exercise. These guys are my bros. Go ahead and take a couple of them out.”**

**“Cool!” Robin is too young and pure.**

**“Hey, Frank.”**

**“You want a piece of Robin?”**

**“Barney! Nice compound fracture!”**

**“How'd you like a punch, Glen?” The entire fight can be seen through the side of the tunnel.**

Everyone is horrified by Batman’s decision but can’t help laughing at the ridiculousness of it.

**Barbara manages to unblock the entrance before radioing for help. “Code Red! I need total security lockdown, now!” All the doors to the prisoner’s cells close, but Batman manages to throw a Batarang at the Joker’s door, stopping it from closing.**

**The Joker is sitting on the floor meditating. “'Sup, Joker?”**

**“Namaste, Batman.”**

**Robin replies to that. “Namaste.”**

**“Gross.”**

“Agreed.” Dick cannot believe himself.

**The Joker makes a note of Batman’s attire. “Ooh. Briefs man. Me, too.”**

“This Joker is definitely sane here. Can we switch them?” Jason also wants to see the chaos of the whole Joker/Batman not-relationship.

**“Cut the baloney. Kid, guard the door, will ya?”**

**“On it! Take that, Alan!”**

“Is he just saying random people’s names?” Damian is confused but does his best to not act like it.

His words cause everyone to pause and agree that yes, those are completely random names.

**“Huh. Looks like you're going to a lot of trouble for little old me. I must be your greatest enemy after all. Right, Batman?”**

**Batman points at the Joker accusingly. “I see what you're trying to do.”**

**“And what is that?”**

**“You're trying to entrap me into a relationship.”**

Jason’s laughter is the loudest, but not the only one. Bruce looks like he just ate a lemon.

**“Really?” The Joker acts surprised.**

**“Yeah, and it's not gonna work.”**

**“Oh, yes, it is. Because I'm inside your head.”**

**Batman sputters in disbelief. “No, you're not!” But the Joker says the same thing simultaneously causing Batman to gasp.**

Everyone can’t hold back their laughter.

**“I knew you'd say that.”**

**“No, you didn't!” It happened again. Batman gives another gasp.**

The laughter has turned into sputters and wheezes.

**“And I knew you'd say that! See? We aren't so different, I and you.”**

**“It's, ‘you and I!’” And again.**

**“Argh!” Bat-frustration.**

Bruce cannot comprehend how stupid his counterpart is. He is known as the World’s Greatest Detective for a reason. Depicting him like this, is a major insult and extremely embarrassing.

And completely hilarious for everyone else watching.

**“Admit it. I'm your greatest enemy.”**

**“You're not my greatest enemy, Joker.”**

**“Okay, then send me to the Phantom Zone.”**

**“Fine, I will.” Batman points the projector at the Joker.**

**“And prove I'm your greatest enemy.”**

**Batman lets out a frustrated growl.**

People can barely concentrate on the film they are laughing so much.

**Barbara calls out to him behind some bars. “Batman, don't do this.”**

**“As long as you're in the Phantom Zone, I'll be saving Gotham City, and that's all that matters to me. Goodbye, Joker.” He activates the projector.**

**“Oh, Batman, thank you!” The Joker laughs before vanishing.**

Damian turns around and looks straight into Bruce’s eyes. “Father. You must never be this incompetent and idiotic or I will have no choice but to incarcerate you into an elderly home for mental deterioration.”

While Bruce doesn’t respond, he agrees wholeheartedly.

**Time for a Bat-celebration. Batman throws the projector at Robin and dances. “Yes! That's what I call saving the city again!” The cell doors close during his celebration.**

**Barbara is angry. “Batman, what are you doing?” ~Looks like someone’s in trouble~.**

Bruce flinches. Other eyes wide in fear. No one wants to ever face an angry Barbara.

**“I'm Batman-ing.” Batman taps the side of his cowl causing rap music to start playing. He dances along to the lyrics. ‘I'm Batman, I'm awesome, I got a nine-pack.’**

While one cannot ignore an angry Barbara, Batman’s ignorance and the hilarity of the song quickly flips the mood.

_(There was another Justice League meeting. Unfortunately for Batman, his children were also present as the matter involved Gotham City itself._

_To Batman the plan was simple, yet his fellow team members still couldn’t quite understand._

_“Are you sure this will work?” Green Lantern asks._

_Batman answers gruffly, severely annoyed. “Yes.”_

_Nightwing suddenly elbows Red Hood looking excited. Both Red Hood and Red Robin start beat boxing. Nightwing steps forward and raps,_ _“I'm Batman, I'm awesome, I got a nine-pack.”_

_A few JL members look amused. Most are confused. The Batfam are laughing. Nightwing is suddenly unconscious, and Batman is holding a tranquillizer.)_

**Barbara pulls out her megaphone. “Stop it!” She puts it away once she has his attention. “Batman, I can't believe you did this.”**

**“Hi, police lady.” Robin waves at her again.**

**“And even worse, you've made this kid into an accessory to your crime. Sorry, kid.” Two guards carry Robin into the adjoining cell, taking the projector from him.**

“There are many times I also question your parenting, Master Bruce.” Alfred sighs.

**“That's okay, ma'am. As long as I'm doing a dime in the big house with my old man, everything's gonna be A-Okay.” Too pure.**

“No.” Steph whines. “It’s gotta be a crime to lock him up.”

“Well, he did commit several crimes.”

Steph counters Tim. “But that doesn’t mean that he should be locked up. Look at how adorable he is.”

**“Officers, take this Projector to the evidence room.”**

**“You got it.” At least some people follow orders.**

**“And get this man some pants.”**

**Robin immediately lets Barbara know, “I'm good the way I am.”**

Everyone is laughing once again. Dick just lets out a groan as he is getting used to the humility his Lego counterpart brings.

**“B Go, why has nobody fist bumped me yet?” How oblivious and dense can someone be?**

The slapping of facepalms sound like a very brief, aborted applause.

**Barbara just sighs. “You know, when I was a kid, I wanted to be you, Batman. I wanted to be as strong and as fast and as smart as Batman. But you're not who I thought you were.”**

“Same here.” Tim can definitely agree with Jason’s statement.

**“Uh... What do you mean? “**

**“You can't be a hero if you only care about yourself.” Barbara walks away, head low.**

“Well, that’s definitely once difference between our Bruce and theirs. If only our Bruce could care about himself and learn to take a break.” The sentence becomes more passive-aggressive as Dick narrows his eyes at Bruce.

**“Barbara, I... I think you're underestimating the importance of the Joker being in the Phantom Zone. Really, it's kind of a stroke of genius. All the... Hey, where are you going? I just put Joker in the one place he can't do anyone any harm.”**

“How stupid can he be?” Tim is struggling to deal with a Bruce this dumb.

**Barbara pauses her despondent walk. “Yeah. But what if you just gave Joker exactly what he wanted?”  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note from a week after chapter update: I've decided to update fortnightly instead of weekly as my free time has gone down drastically with Uni having started. I will finish this fic even if it's the last thing I do!
> 
> Stay safe everyone!


	9. The Phantom Zone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will be fortnightly due to the workload that Uni brings. I do have [ tumblr ](https://jamcat-22.tumblr.com/) though I don't really use it, but if I have any announcements I might post them there. 
> 
> This chapter did not want to be written.
> 
> Enjoy!

**_“Barbara, I... I think you're underestimating the importance of the Joker being in the Phantom Zone. Really, it's kind of a stroke of genius. All the... Hey, where are you going? I just put Joker in the one place he can't do anyone any harm.”_ **

_“How stupid can he be?” Tim is struggling to deal with a Bruce this dumb._

**_Barbara pauses her despondent walk. “Yeah. But what if you just gave Joker exactly what he wanted?”_ **

Tim throws his arms in the air. “Why else would he say, ‘thank you’?” Frustrated tears threaten to spill from his eyes.

Bruce can’t believe his Lego counterpart either.

**The Joker is now falling through a blue expanse, filled with floating blocks. Menacing music chanting ‘The Phantom Zone’ plays. He finally lands on his back and gets up. “Oh! Whoa! Look at this place! Am I being too loud?” He cracks his knuckles and leans on a block.**

**“Hi!” The block comes to life.**

**“OH, MY GOSH!” The Joker is gasping for breath.**

The snickers are a little pettier than normal from seeing the Joker frightened.

**“Sorry. I always do that.”**

**“How about a warning next time?”**

**“You're so right, and I am so wrong. Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy.”**

**“Yeah, bad guy.” He crosses his arms menacingly.**

**“My name is Phyllis.”**

**Which changes to a smile. “Oh, that was my grandma's name.”**

The sudden change in demeanor causes the theatre to resemble a pigsty once more. Though they do wonder if their Joker’s grandma’s name was Phyllis too.

**“Now hold still while I scan you.” Phyllis makes beeping sounds, flying around the Joker. And in an imitation of a computer, announces, “Scanning for badness. Trying to assess whether you are bad.” Multiple screens appearing showing the Joker’s evil actions. “Ugh! Your whole thing screams ‘bad guy’.”**

Jason looks skeptical. “That’s gotta be some of the least worst things he’s ever done.” Barbara can agree to that.

**“Oh, yeah. I'm a really bad person.”**

**“But with vulnerabilities.” The scene where the Joker almost starts crying when Batman rejected him is shown on the screens.**

The snorts, like the previous snickers, are much more cynical at the Joker’s expense. As well as a few hidden middle fingers aimed at the screen.

**“Who, me? No way.” The Joker chuckles in disbelief. “So, where do you keep all the other bad people in this place?**

**“They're standing right behind you.” Phyllis flies off.**

“That is a lot of fictional bad guys.” Steph’s head is tilted at the screen. “Do they have different sections for real and fictional bad guys, because I don’t see any real-life villains.”

**The Joker stares at them in surprise. “Whoa! Hi there, guys. Lovely to meet you all. I'm the... Oh, fist bump? There we... Handshake?” The Joker is surrounded by gremlins. “It doesn't matter. I'm the Joker.”**

**“Take a look at the new guy.” It’s Sauron.**

**“Guess they'll just let anybody in here.” Kraken adds.**

“Ha! Take that!” This humiliation of the Joker is doing wonders for everyone’s trauma.

**“Oh, no, no, no. I'm very bad, too. They just showed a video montage...”**

**“Boring!” The Swamp Creature sounds like a petulant child.**

Everyone sputters in amusement enjoying seeing their nightmare as nothing more than a boring second-rate villain. If only their Joker was boring.

**“What?” The Joker sounds affronted.**

**“You're boring.”**

No one can help the raucous laughter with a pinch of salt.

**Is that the shark from Jaws? “He looks delicious.” The Joker looks very frightened now.**

**The t-rex from Jurassic Park is also here. Why the dinosaurs and not the capitalistic money makers who created the park? “Let's eat this guy.”**

“Do it! Do it! Do it!” Multiple members of the audience are chanting.

**The villains crowd the Joker forcing him to the edge of the block he’s standing on. The gremlins start climbing him holding different weapons and utensils. “Stop with the violence for just a second! What if I told you I could get you outta here?”**

**The dramatic music stops. King Kong asks the question they were all thinking. “I'm sorry, what'd you just say?”**

Steph immediately boos. “Kill him!”

“No killing!” Is Bruce’s automatic response.

**“That's right. I'm so bad, I got myself thrown into this heck-hole on purpose!”**

“You can say hellhole!”

“I don’t think he can, Jason.” Dick refutes.

**The Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys. “I'm listening.”**

**“ _Count_ me interested.” **

Dick laughs at the pun. Nudging Damian with his foot, “Get it? He’s _Count_ Dracula.”

Damian shoves him away, huffing. At least Dick didn’t lose a foot.

**The Joker continues with his speech. “Look, everyone here knows what it's like to be hurt by a hero, don't they? We've all been taken for granted, right?”**

**Everyone makes their affirmations.**

“Taken for granted? Do they only commit crimes because they want to be noticed by the hero? That doesn’t make any sense.” Barbara is questioning the logic of the movie.

**“Well, that's why I came to this space prison. To recruit the universe's greatest...”**

**“We'll do it!” It’s Voldemort!**

“Yeah. None of this boring villain monologuing.” Popcorn goes flying.

“Master Jason, the popcorn is meant to go in your mouth, not thrown at the screen.”

“Sorry Alfred.” The implication that he would be cleaning up the room was left unsaid.

**That threw the Joker off. “I'm sorry?”**

**He casually waves his wand around while speaking. “You were going to say something about recruiting the universe's greatest villains to conquer a superhero. Am I right?”**

“Predictable.” Cass points out. Everyone snorts, except the blood-Waynes who just huff in amusement.

**“Uh, yeah.”**

**“Well, we're in!” Voldemort replies.**

**Everyone cheers. “Yay!”**

Several members choke at the way ‘yay’ was cheered.

**“Really? Because I brought a PowerPoint...” The Joker pulls out a laptop. How he had a laptop? I don’t know.**

**“Still boring!” It’s the Swamp Creature again.**

“LOSER!” Steph makes an ‘L’ on her forehead with her hand.

**The flying monkeys also seem to be just as impatient. “Yeah. Just get on with it.”**

**“You want us to humiliate him?” Kraken asks.**

Bruce thinks no. Everyone says yes.

**“I certainly do. Yes.”**

**“You want us to make him grovel at your feet?” I think that’s Medusa.**

No again. It’s a maybe for the others.

**“I would like to see that very much!”**

**Those guys from The Matrix. “You want us to smite him, smite him, smite him?”**

Definitely not. They don’t want him dead.

**“Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.”**

**“You want us to make the rivers of Gotham City run red with his blood?” That is a bit too violent for this PG movie, Sauron.**

Everyone says no, mouths open in shock.

**The Joker looks concerned. “Oh, that's...” Not suitable for young audiences.**

**Awkward. “Oh, no blood? How do you feel about lava?”**

**“Yes! Lava.”**

**“Done.”**

**Everyone cheers again. “Yay!”**

Instead of choking, the snorting starts up again at the childlike ridiculousness.

“Yay!” Cass’s mimicry causes everyone to burst out in laughter.

**While everyone walks away, presumably to get ready, a velociraptor asks the most important question for the plan. “Excuse me. Hello? Over here. I don't want to be a downer, but how exactly are we going to get outta this place?”**

**“Oh, leave that to me.” The viewers get a close up of the Joker’s evil grin.**

Tim scoffs. “More like leave that to Harley.”

**Back at Gotham Asylum, the guards are taking the Phantom Zone Projector to the evidence room. “Don't wanna jinx us, but I'll be a lot happier when this Phantom Zone Projector is locked up tight.”**

“He definitely jinxed them.”

**The elevator dings and the doors open revealing a woman in a lab coat. “Going up, ma'am?”**

“Knew it.” Jason can at least appreciate that they were obvious about the next events.

**She changes into Harley Quinn before pulling out a giant mallet. “No. You're going down! Look out! Smash!” She beats them up and grabs the projector. “I guess you're right. I am going up. Ding!”**

Steph coos a bit. “The way she said that was kinda cute.”

Dick agrees. “It was.” Completely ignoring the fact that she just beat up three people.

**On the roof she skates to the edge and selects ‘Release All Inmates’ on the Projector, before firing it into the sky. “Here comes the... Phantom Zone!”**

Tim is asking all the important questions here. “Why is there an option to release all inmates? And what if that never existed? How would he even get out?”

**The sky above Gotham becomes a colorful swirling mass. Thunder booms. One of the citizens announce, “I'm gonna go start looting.” Before running off. The rest stay to watch.**

The more jovial of the bunch let out surprised laughter while the others just mutter, “Typical Gothamites.”

**“Hello, Gotham City! The Clown Prince of Crime is back!” An outline of his facial features is displayed in the midst of the swirling clouds.**

**At Gotham Asylum one of the guards calls over Barbara and shows her something on his phone. “Commissioner Gordon, you gotta take a look at this.”**

**“What's that?”**

**“A monkey and dog are friends.” The guard chuckles.**

“There is literally an attack on the city and your watching animal videos on your phone at work. He should be fired.” Everyone agrees with Barbara.

**“Not that.” She lowers his phone and points at a screen. “That!”**

**“And I've come to finally take over the city. But in order to do that, I need to break my friends out of a giant, scary prison.”**

**Killer Moth cheerfully calls out, “Hey, guys, he means us!”**

**All the inmates cheer, “Yay!”**

**“And I ain't talking about those rogue losers dressed in cosplay!”**

This causes some very loud and sudden laughter.

“Rogue losers. Dressed in cosplay.” Jason can barely stay on his seat.

**“Oh!”**

**“Me-ouch.” Lol.**

Snorts break through the laughter. Although Bruce’s face flicker’s between humor and a little bit of annoyance at making fun of his beloved.

**“I'm talking about my new peeps! And they're just like me. The greatest villains you'll ever see. You wanna meet them?”**

**One of the police officers reply, “No.”**

**“Too bad.”**

“Tt. Why even ask then?”

Dick thinks that Damian always looks adorable. Like with cats. Even when they are grumpy and want to attack you, they are still the cutest. “It’s a rhetorical question in an attempt to look cool.”

“Well, it makes him look like an imbecile.” Dick can no longer resist the urge to hug.

**The Joker’s mouth opens, and multiple lights of beings exit. In a stadium presenter voice, the Joker announces the villains released. “He's evil, he's magic, and it's about to get tragic. It's Voldemort.”**

“Does he really need to announce them like this?” This question is difficult to understand.

Alfred sighs. “Miss Stephanie, could you please swallow first before speaking.” He receives a hum in confirmation.

**Voldemort flies around. “Magic! You are a fish. You are a frog. You are a fish frog.”**

**The Joker continues as Sauron lands in the water before rising up. “He's a 9,000-year-old incarnation of evil, with an eye for jewellery. Give it up for Sauron!”**

**“Good afternoon, Gotham City.” He starts blasting all the boats surrounding him.**

Jason places a hand on his chest, raising his head like a pretentious person. “How do you think someone would introduce me?”

“As a terrible –”

Dick cuts Damian off. “–ly wonderful person and brother.”

**“He likes long, violent walks on historic buildings. It's King Kong!”**

**The giant gorilla latches himself onto a skyscraper. “Come at me, Gotham!”**

_(There’s been another breakout at Arkham Asylum. All the Batfam have been called in to deal with the chaos._

_While some people like to take things seriously, others like to lighten the mood a bit._

_“He’s a red, dead, gunslinger, with a taste for blood… It’s Red Hood.” A flying mass kicks the Joker in the face, before punching Scarecrow and raising his arms in fake cheers._

_“Tt. More like he has a walnut for a brain, and a bucket for a face.”_

_Nightwing runs past Robin, ruffling his hair. “Don’t be like that Baby Bat. I’ll make one for you.”_

_“Don’t you dare, Nightwing.” Robin is too busy fighting off multiple henchmen to stop him._

_“He’s the best with a sword, and as stealthy as a cat… It’s Robin!” Robin can’t argue with that… even if it is ridiculous._

_Red Robin’s voice comes over the comms. “Guys listen, I got one. He’s an adult male, fighting criminals in a fursuit… it’s Batman!” Even the people they’re fighting stop, though it’s more out of shock than humor. Unlike the Batfam who struggle to keep their form when faced with body shaking laughter._

_“Guys I have a better one.” Steph wheezes. Though it takes a few moments before she can actually get the words out. “He’s the manliest man, with the buns of steel… it’s Batman!”_

_The Joker, who has started to regain consciousness, wonders when he had set off his gas._

_For Batman however, he will remain in their nightmares for weeks to come, due to the sudden increase in efficiency and (slight more) brutality.)_

**Chief O’Hara is driving through the carnage. “Commissioner Gordon, these monsters, they're too powerful.”**

**“Can you contain them to downtown?”**

**O’Hara exits the police car. “That's gonna be impossible. Half the police force are fish!” One of the officers is transformed right then. “Sergeant Jackson! Stop floppin' around!” She yells at a fish.**

The faces are a mixture of confused to shocked at the utter weirdness on-screen.

“How are they even going to be turned back?” The sudden silence greatly contrasts the previous atmosphere.

**“And rounding out the evil all-stars, Wicked Witch! Medusa. And British robots!”**

**“Exterminate!”**

**“Ask your nerd friends.”**

Anyone who doesn’t know what Daleks are, have been living under a rock.

**Back in the Phantom Zone, Phyllis is looking around at all the villain-less space. “Hello? Bad guys?”**

They all feel bad for her, just trying to do her job.

**The Joker has finally beamed himself to Gotham. “What a crew, huh? And they all work for me!” He fist-bumps the t-rex. “Who's the greatest villain of them all now, Batman?”**

**“Still not you.”**

“Really?!” Barbara just looks between Lego and real Bruce.

**The camera pans to a nervous Robin. “Actually, this does look pretty terrifying, Bat-Dad.”**

**The Joker is casually walking through the carnage calling out encouragements. “Nice destruction all around. Watch your step! Good work, guys! Now, all that's left for me is to rub it in Batman's bat face.” He calls out to the great eye above. “Hey, Sauron, doesn't your flaming eye have a unique ability to peer through time and space?”**

“Oh, shoot!” Gotta keep the language appropriate or face the force that is Alfred Pennyworth.

**His eye nods. “Uh-huh.”**

**“Well, I need to find Batman. Where's homeboy's man cave?”**

Everyone’s holding their breath in fear and anticipation.

**“Hmm. Give me a second. Scary noise. It's beneath Wayne Manor!”**

Guess which paranoid being is making contingencies for fictional characters.

**The Joker looks surprised. “Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a sec. Are you trying to tell me that Bruce Wayne is Batman...'s roommate?”**

One would think the laughter couldn’t get any louder than it has, but the Batfam always like to outdo themselves.

**“Uh... Yeah.” Sauron just goes with it.**

The bellows of laughter are punctuated with cackles and snorts. Some end up choking on their own saliva, turning the cackles into coughing fits.

**“Evil army, this way to the Batcave!”**

**Alfred opens the front doors and sees the Manor overrun. “Good grief!” Thankfully, Alfred manages to escape in the stretched limo.**

Worried-filled gasps fill the theatre, though they turn into relieved exhales at the knowledge Alfred is safe.

**The Joker blasts down the Batcave doors. “Hey, Batman! Joker's home.” His voice echoes throughout the overly large cave.**

**In the Batcave the Joker is making himself at home, rubbing his butt all over the vehicles. “I'm rubbing my butt all over your stuff. We're going to have to rename this the Butt-mobile.” All the bad guys laugh at the joke.**

Bruce glares at the Joker’s blatant disrespect of his belongings, while the others have a good laugh.

**The Joker hasn’t forgotten about his mission though. A flying monkey has been recording and broadcasting everything to all of Gotham. “Hey, evil army. I need Batman brought here. Now go get him! Joker out!” He smashes the camera for dramatic effect.**


End file.
